The Oscar™ image I’ve been searching for is Javier Bardem’s mom. (I’m timely!) When he won, they cut away to Pilar Bardem wearing literally every piece of jewelry she owns. Half dozen necklaces! Both arms full of bangles! A ring on each and every finger, like brass knuckles! She looked like an insecure pirate. What led up to that image?
Scene:
Place: Bardem household
Time: Oscar night. Just before the limo arrives.
Mrs. Bardem: One more necklace is really gonna make this outfit sing, Jav.
Javier: I think you’ve got enough, Ma. Your jewelry box is empty.
Mrs. Bardem: Not quite. Pass me that macaroni necklace you made in the Spanish equivalent of pre-school.
Javier: We can just call it pre-school, Ma.
Mrs. Bardem: Macaroni necklace!
Javier: Here you go. And the rings? Do you really need one for each finger?
Mrs. Bardem: Remember last year I had to punch Nicole Kidman when she stole your seat? I’m not taking that chance again.
Javier: I know, she still has that ruby imprint from the uppercut. Ma, I told you, I’m a big star now. You gotta stop punching people.
Mrs. Bardem: Anyway, I told all the girls at canasta and the salon that my son, Javier, is taking me to the Oscars™ tonight. Everyone knows we’re there. What if they break in?
Javier: What kind of crowd are you running with? And I told you: Ma, I’m a BIG STAR! I bought you a security system!
Mrs. Bardem: Besides, I don’t trust your maid. She only speaks Spanish.
Javier: Maaaaaaa… we’re gonna be late. Wait, you’re Spanish. We’re having this conversation in Spanish.
Mrs. Bardem: You know what? I’m just going to take the jewelry box with me. I’ll just carry it like a purse.
Javier: You can’t do that, Ma. Ellen Page will laugh at us. What are you doing?
Mrs. Bardem: Help me load up the good silver.
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8 comments:
I just saw No Country For Old Men last night. I'm not sure I got it. But Javier and his bowlcut were sca-ry.
Why didn't you get to go with them, rather than just doing the play by play beforehand?
My husband's aunt dresses like that for every family event. In case we forgot that she owns multiple diamond rings, she wants to be able to remind us. Seriously, last Christmas, she wore three rings just on one of her fingers.
Well if you're waiting your whole life for a reason to pull out all that jewelry, the Oscars just may be it.
Canasta.
"The Spanish equivalent of pre-school". Hilarious.
Red- who knew he was actually cute-ish?
Maria - They kicked me out when they saw me taking notes.
R - You should make her jewelry out of spoons!
Comment deleted - Good point.
Mickey - That's what I plan to do at the Oscars.
Nancy Pearl - Thx.
Bardem was quite the handsome devil when he played a gay Cuban poet during Castro's revolution, but that's the only film I've seen where he looked like himself. Looked really middle aged and unsexy in the movie where he played the Spanish quadriplegic looking for assisted suicide, and looks both dorky and evil simultaneously in No Country. He's like a more manly-looking, Spanish-speaking Johnny Depp with his versatility.
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