I should probably get stretching or something

I have a bad case of Olympic fever.

I love the Olympics. Like Pee Wee’s Playhouse love them. I’d marry them if I could. I get weepy just thinking about all those athletes of different lands waving their flags and coming together in the spirit of unity and brotherhood and so forth. And the pomp! My God the pomp.

Unfortunately, I realize that with every passing Olympiad my dream of making the women’s gymnastics team is slipping away. Some might say that as girl a foot too tall and a decade too old, my Olympics dream set sail before I put on my leotard. Nay, I say to them. It just makes for a better Bob Costas-narrated vignette. I may not be able to uh, do the splits or a backflip (on purpose. I’m sure if I fell off something I could manage one before I hit the ground) but I have something more important than that. I have heart.

It probably says a bit about my dream that I spend more time thinking about kickass quotes for my vignette than I do sweating, but nevertheless.

Dramatically lit shot of me sitting on a balance beam, looking tough and determined in the chalky air.

Bob Costas: She wasn’t born to do this, they all said. She wasn’t born to Russian parents or sold into the sport at a young age. Yet her improbable quest for a medal has brought her halfway around the world. This is it. Her final shot.

Me: After I quit gymnastics at the age of 7 because I didn’t like having sore muscles, I never thought I’d be here today. But it’s my destiny.

Bob Costas: She’s not the most naturally gifted athlete out there, but you can tell by the look in her eyes that she wants it more than anyone. This has clearly been a dream of hers for almost a month now, since she realized the Olympics would be going on soon.

Me: I plan to win with cartwheels. I point my toes really, really well when I do them. Also handstands. I beat my cousin once so I can do them for like 6-8 seconds. In a row.

Bob Costas: She’s struggled on the international stage with her Yuchenko vault –

Me: My what now?

Bob Costas: - but she more than makes up for it with something more important: Heart.


And scene.

If that fails, I go on to Olympic plan B: Coaching swimming with my patented technique of yelling, “Go faster! Swim faster than that other swimmer!!!!!!”


Gold medal please.