Facebook's Compare People function: A rebuttal

My Wednesday was going smashingly. The bus? On time. The weather? Seasonably warm. The coffee? Icy. Then I open my gmail and get cyber punched in the face.

Friends, casual acquaintances, former co-workers and elementary school classmates, I've been compared to you on Facebook. And I fall short:

lost 1 place, now #3 best to hang out with for a day
lost 2 places, now #7 best mother (potential)
lost 6 places, now #13 most athletic
lost 6 places, now #14 most useful
lost 5 places, now #15 best listener

Now, I personally don't play the Compare People game since the fateful day I was asked to choose if I'd rather date my brother or brother in law, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the sting of anonymous people dropping me six places in the useful category.

Who the hell is better to hang out with for a day than me? Nobody, that's who. Certainly there are not two other people in the known universe. I'll fight you both.

I may not have any kids (that I know of! Zing! Wait, that doesn't work.) But 7th best mother (potential division)? I'd like to think I could keep a kid alive to adulthood. I babysat a family of four kids not too long ago. Got there at 9:00, changed two diapers, fixed two snacks, fed a baby a bottle, assured child world wouldn't end before we found lost Dora doll/found a lost Dora. I may be exhausted, but I've got this under control, I thought hubrisly. I looked at the clock. I'd been there 11 minutes. Still, the basic idea is the same. Just for 18 years.

I'm actually OK with 13th most athletic. (Even though - not brag here - I almost did a push-up the other day.) It's still a spot on the soccer team. On the bench, I suppose, but allowed to suit up in case there are injuries. If you need me I'll be at the concession stand.

Fourteenth most useful? HA! Bitch, I'm vital. If you need to know where anything is on the Upper East Side, why - specifically, in excruciating detail - H&M is better than the Gap, what you should buy at Target, need someone to ask donde esta the library in Mexico, I'm your gal. What topping should I get on my pizza? Pepperoni. Why am I using "instantaneous" incorrectly? Because it means two things happening at the same time; it's not a synonym for "instantly." What's my sign? Gemini. What's the mystery lyric in the Good Times theme song after "scratching and surviving"? It's "Hanging in a chow line." You're welcome. Who's useful now?

And lastly...listening? Who are you people who think I don't listen? I listen, hear, mishear, overhear all day every day, son. See who doesn't pick up the phone the next time you have troubles.