Bitch, this ain't Jeopardy

It's spring (!), which means for me it's new roommate time. When I was showing people the place, I had just a few simple questions for candidates:

1. Would you end each sentence in upspeak as though everything is a question? Cause bitch, this ain't Jeopardy.

2. Do you like to be thanked when you buy basic household goods, such as toilet paper, whilst also not thanking your roommate for cleaning or buying things?

3. Are you casually racist? Would you say something like "I mean, black people? Is there anything they won't do?"

4. Will you leave your company's dishes in the sink, and when your roommate asks you to do them, will you say, "Well, you bought them, they're your dishes. You do them." ?

5. Will you hang up on your roommate when I apologize for not being able to leave work to let your guest into the apartment?

6. Will you not only not notice when I clean, but also accuse me of never cleaning, despite the toilet, tub counters and floors generally being spotless?

7. Will you insist on paying your rent late every month? And when I bring up the fact that this puts me in financial distress, will you tell me that's my poor communication skills in action, because you didn't know that paying on the 1st was important?

If so, welcome aboard!