And to all a good night

Because I’ve become the Eastern Seaboard black sheep of my family, I was the only one who wasn’t home to fete Mom yesterday. This is apparently what I was missing:

ME: (On the phone with my sister) What are you guys doing today?

SISTER: Mom wanted to watch Atonement, so we’re just about to put that in.

ME: Aw, no, I saw it. Tell Mom it’s pretty sad. OH MY GOD! NO, WAIT! Tell her it centers around the c-word.

SISTER: What? The c-word?

ME: I’m not even joking.

MOM (in the background): What’s the c-word?

SISTER: C-u-n-t.

MOM: What’s that? (Pause) Oh! Oh. Oh no.

BROTHER: (Deadpan) I’m still not following.

DAD: (Hoot of laughter)

ME: Annie, did we just expose Mom to the c-word on Mother’s Day?

SISTER: I’m pretty sure we did.

ME: OK! My work here is done.


AFTERMATH UPDATE:

I called today to see how it all went down.

MOM: Oh, we put it in and I remembered I’d seen it on TV before. It was too sad so we turned it off.

ME: It’s never been on TV before, Mom. You can admit why you turned it off.

But I don't want to be a bunny!

Like all families, mine has certain Christmas traditions we must abide by. My dad writes silly notes from Santa on our gifts, there's an all-out holy war for control of the heat and - my favorite tradition of all - we haul down my mom's kitchen crucifix to replace it with a nutcracker cookie cutter. Tis the season.

My mom is easily the most religious person I know, so it's great fun that she allows this, with the technicality that "Jesus is in our hearts" or somesuch.

With the Lord safely removed from our kitchen, we took to looking up the schedule for Christmas mass. I heard a gasp from my mom, some conferring in the kitchen with my dad, then a guffaw from my brother.

That's right. On the holiest day of the Liturgical calendar, we overslept for Holy Spirit's 9 a.m. mass and thought we could catch St. Joe's 10:30. We could have too, except that their mass was at 10. I was putting on a final coat of mascara on as the (bad?) news came in. I sat down and ate another cinnamon roll.

To put this in perspective, my mom missing Christmas mass is like John Roberts oversleeping for the first day of Supreme Court.

"Nobody get out of fancy clothes! We're taking a family picture!" Dad worked through his disappointment through photography.

Then, still basking in our reprieve from the governor, we sat down to open our gifts.

Mom got a GPS system. Know where that could have lead us to? Church.
Kevin got a nice new coat. Know where that would've looked smashing? Church.
Dad got a bottle of Jameson's. Know where that would've been happily passed in a flask? Pew three at St. Joe's.

I'd mentioned in passing to my mom that I think I'd put on a few pounds when the weather got cold. What followed was either a show of support for my comfort, or a cruel, cruel joke...

I excitedly opened the box. Pants. Pink, fuzzy pj pants. I tugged on one leg and the material kept coming, like a handkerchief up a clown's sleeve.

I would have never have been able to fit into these even the week before I birthed octuplets. My sister and I each climbed into a leg and hopped down the hall.

With that merriment behind us, we all retired for some TV watching and computer time. My mom checked CNN headlines and announced Eartha Kitt had died. Then she announced Eartha was a whore.

We all let out a collective WHAAAAAAAA? as mom nonchalantly walked into the kitchen. I never did figure out what she was talking about. Was it this passage in the story?

Offstage, however, Kitt described herself as shy and almost reclusive.

"I'm an orphan. But the public has adopted me and that has been my only family," she told the Post online.

So what did we learn about my mom this year?: She hates the Baby Jesus, thinks I'm fat and has a personal vendetta with Eartha Kitt.

Merry Christmas to all.

Can I get a "what what" Jazzy Jeff?

Moms. Am I right, people?

My own mother is impervious to teasing, either because it goes over her head or because she’s way, way more clever and calculating than I realized. I think we know the answer. She has a knack for responding to teasing with heartfelt sincerity. It's adorable and I love her for it.

Witness:

Me: I know I’m your favorite kid, Mom. It’s ok, you can go ahead and tell Kevin and Annie so they can adjust their lives accordingly. You have to start pitting us against each other for your love and affection like Dad does.

Her: I have always loved all my kids equally! You know that. One year at parent-teacher conferences…

And so forth. I recently realized this delightful peccadillo is not confined to my mother when I went to dinner with a friend and her mom. And this is what happened.

My friend: I have this student whose mom won’t let him participate in gym class since he scraped his knee. She wanted him to wear a helmet! Now she wants to meet with me because I gave her son a “meets expectations” instead of “exceeds expectations” on his report card.

Me: You should tell her that he’d have gotten an “exceeds expectations” if he hadn’t suffered all that brain damage from not wearing a helmet.

Her mom: OH NO! YOU CANNOT TELL THAT POOR WOMAN THAT!

Friend: Mooooom….we’re kidding.

Friend’s mom: She’ll be worried sick.

Friend: It’s a joke, mom.

Friend’s mom: You can just be very rational and tell her that while “exceeds expectations” is the ideal to shoot for, there’s nothing wrong with –

Friend (to waiter): Can we get some more bread? Thanks.



Then there was last week’s email exchange with Mum:

Hey, I remember this old story in The Onion and I thought it was funny EVEN THOUGH IT DOES NOT REMIND ME OF YOU.

Clear? OK, it's funny and I'm not teasing you, because you don't like to be teased.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38572


Response:

That was lol funny! I saw no similarity to you and me working out somethings on the computer when you were home, so I never would have thought you were putting me in the same class with that poor woman. God bless her daughter!

Love you
Me


Which is the total essence of the woman. The total love for me. The pitying a fictional daughter in The Onion. All the LOL funny.