Saturday, August 12, 2006

If you sprinkle...

Lately I can't step into the office bathroom without working myself up with an internal rants.

They start with "Y'all some grown-ass women..." then I freestyle a bit in the middle, and end with "I don't want to sit in your nasty pee sprinkle."

It reminds me of my old newspaper job, where a yellowed (ew) old sign hung on the back of the stall door since probably before I knew the alphabet:

"If you sprinkle/when you tinkle/be a sweetie/and wipe the seatie."

Oh, how I loathed that sign. It came to represent all the stuck-in-the-past ways and means of the newspaper. I was staring at that cutesy little poem-like creation on Monday morning when I should have been asleep like any self-respecting college student. I stared at it on Friday and Saturday nights instead of getting drunk, well, like, you know.

I stared at it for two and a half years and vowed to rip it down when I left. But on my last day I was so overcome with relief about escaping that I gave it a pardon from the govenor.

I think it's time for some big-city girls to learn the sprinkle/tinkle poem.

Belated comebacks

A while ago BWWTNBBA and I decided that at airports, along with maps of the tri-state area, tourists should be required to pick up a little guidebook:

1. Don't stop your whole family on the sidewalk to read the map or debate lunch options.
2. Stay to the right on escalator so people can get past you.
3. Don't go to one side of a photo opportunity, then have the camera person stand on the other side of the sidewalk and get upset when people keep walking through the frame.
4. Don't you dare eat at Olive Garden, TGI Friday's or Sabarros. If you can have it at the strip mall back home, do not consume it while you're in the nation's food capital.
5. Number five is still being disputed, but Magnolia cupcakes either do or don't suck.

And so forth...

With all this chaos-itude swirling around while they try to get to work, I understand why New Yorkers get a little peeved from time to time. That said, some are taking big time artistic license with the 'tudes.

Case in point...

Two (2) people got smart with me yesterday: I was dragging a rolling suitcase (long story) down the street, walking in a straight line, not taking up much space, when out of the corner of my eye I see a woman speed up beside me. She got right behind me and started yelling at me for my big bag. The two guys behind her did the dirty work for me and told her she was crazy. Then as I was crossing in the crosswalk, with the light, a horse-drawn carriage guy is trying to turn and yells "Yeah, walk slower stupid." That must be a romantic ride through the park with ol' silver tongue at the helm.

I apologized in the first instance and burst out laughing in the second one, since I didn't want to a.) get in a street brawl or b.) get run over by a horse. Mature? Coward? Slow-witted? The world may never know.

However, I hereby present my following comebacks: a.) "Yeah, well my bag is smaller than the steamer trunk you call a caboose." and b.) "Yeah, well you have to stare at a horse's ass all day."

Feels good to get that off my chest.