Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Oh, I get it ... no, wait, I'm back to not getting it

Apparently this Chick Downtown thing is a clothing store and not a hookup site for transvestites. Excuse me, I need to make a few phone calls.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Even in this recession, a humble patron of the arts steps forward

So I'm at a coffee shop, trying to get a table, but I'm thwarted by this woman blocking the only two free tables with a giant-ass painting. I could say the brushwork was obvious and derivative, but it really just looked like if The Scream were painted in actual blood. Another broad saddles up beside me and the two of us start conferring about how to best get to the blocked tables.

"Do you want to see it?" the woman asks us.

"Not really," the other girl mutters, for naught, as the woman has already hoisted the 6' x 8' frame above her head. "This is the artist. I just bought it. For $5,000!"

I smile the "holy hell you're proud about getting ripped off" smile.

"Is that your bag on the back table? Can I get in there please?" I say.

"And the one by the wall? Is there a way to get around to that table?" the other girl says.

"Five thousand!"

"Right, that's great, it's just..."

"Oh, right, the bag."

She leaves within the next 10 minutes, but not before telling the entire cafe about the painting and its cost. When she leaves, she abandons her half-finished coffee for the older gay guys taking her table.

"Ma'am, you forgot your coffee..." one calls after her.

"Eh, what does she care," his companion said. "She bought a painting."

"Did she say it cost $5,000?"

Thursday, May 14, 2009


When my parents moved into their current house, there was my room with a double bed, my brother's room with two single beds used for the guest room and my sister moved into her own apartment with her furniture. Now that the three of us are out of the house, this arrangement leaves three beds too many 360 days a year. But every year at Christmas, I have to give up my bed for my sister and her husband, because nothing punches you in the face and yells, "YOU'RE SINGLE AND UNLOVED AT THE HOLIDAYS!" than literally being kicked out of your own bed on Christmas Eve.

One of these years I'm getting off the couch and unwrapping everyone's presents.

That's generally my saddest single-girl day of the year, but today may surpass that.

I just wanted to look at pictures of cake. A friend of mine is getting married and is registered on some wedding site, which is also home to numerous pretty pictures of sweet, sweet cake. Since I'm a person who DVRs Ace of Cake (what up, Duff?), I consider myself an aficionado of cake culture, I just wanted to look at the pretty designs.

Well, that wasn't to be. I clicked on a picture and the site told me I had to not only log in, but also give them my wedding info. I got rejected from looking at pictures of cake. Rejected from cake!

I got cake blocked.

Monday, May 11, 2009

And to all a good night

Because I’ve become the Eastern Seaboard black sheep of my family, I was the only one who wasn’t home to fete Mom yesterday. This is apparently what I was missing:

ME: (On the phone with my sister) What are you guys doing today?

SISTER: Mom wanted to watch Atonement, so we’re just about to put that in.

ME: Aw, no, I saw it. Tell Mom it’s pretty sad. OH MY GOD! NO, WAIT! Tell her it centers around the c-word.

SISTER: What? The c-word?

ME: I’m not even joking.

MOM (in the background): What’s the c-word?

SISTER: C-u-n-t.

MOM: What’s that? (Pause) Oh! Oh. Oh no.

BROTHER: (Deadpan) I’m still not following.

DAD: (Hoot of laughter)

ME: Annie, did we just expose Mom to the c-word on Mother’s Day?

SISTER: I’m pretty sure we did.

ME: OK! My work here is done.


I called today to see how it all went down.

MOM: Oh, we put it in and I remembered I’d seen it on TV before. It was too sad so we turned it off.

ME: It’s never been on TV before, Mom. You can admit why you turned it off.