Thursday, April 14, 2011

You've got skin problems, and eHow will fix them

Like everyone, when things go wrong in your life, my first thought is to turn to to offer clarity in this mixed up world. Today, let’s learn what eHow suggests when you have discovered a skin thingy and need medical attention.

First off, you should know that eHow gives you the option of Tweeting this knowledge so you can keep your friends in the loop on your skin dramaz. Or you can send it via a Facebook message, as the most public and passive-aggressive method of letting Christy we can all see her funky forehead bumps.

The highlights: eHow teaches us what a dermatologist is, just in case you’ve always had a hankering to see one without being quite clear on what it is. For the purposes of this example, the doctor will be a man, because female doctors are called nurses. (Zing.)

EHow rates this as Difficulty: Moderate. But with a little forethought and elbow grease we can dial that difficulty level to simple and make you the pimp of pimples.


1. Ask the doctor’s office staff about his credentials before making an appointment. Schedule an exam only if the doctor is certified by the American Board of Dermatology.

This is a great first step! Much like you’d never go to a restaurant without demanding to hear about the chef/Sandwich Artist’s childhood, don’t let that smug Dr. Zizmor uses his Rainbow of Skittle Vomit™ to his dig around your inflamed pores before first berating Tammi the receptionist for not being able to send a picture of the good doctor posing with his transcript and a newspaper with the date. If she can’t fax over the doctor’s med school transcripts, you have no choice but to drive over there yourself until she’s located his yearbooks and you’ve independently verified he was German Club president and heard a few heart-warming anecdotes about him calling spaghetti “pasketti”.

Remember: Certificates of live birth and diplomas from Arizona State don’t count.

2. Learn about your condition before meeting the doctor so you can ask informed questions and thoroughly discuss treatment options. If you have been treating your condition at home, write down the names of products used in the past along with their effect on your health.

I’m not going to lie, this is going to require you to Google Image some nasty things. You’re probably avoiding your own reflection by the time your condition has gotten doctor-worthy (thanks a lot, Obamacare!), so you may want to enlist the help of the next person who blanches at the sight of you.

This can be accomplished in several simple sub-steps. You’re minding your own pimple/rash/cyst business when an unsuspecting stranger’s monocle drops. Just remember the acronym ARG!

2a. Ask: “Would you say my face looks offensive in a small red bump way or more or a puss-filled mass way?”
2b. Refuse: to stop using the salad bar tongs to scratch.
2c. Google: Once you’ve been kicked out of the Ponderosa (fascists!) rush home and fire up the Googles.

Gather up all the infomercial skin products you’ve purchased, along with the skimask you generally wear in public these days.

3. Inquire about the doctor’s level of experience with your condition. If he lacks specialized knowledge in the necessary area, ask him to make a referral. If your dermatologist biopsies a mole and diagnosis you with skin cancer, he may refer you to an oncologist for further treatment.

We’re back with Tammi. March in that office like a boss, slam your fists down and demand answers. There’s no time for niceties! You have a skin thing, dammit! Tammi will be flattered about your attention to detail. (Note: See if Tammi is single.) Once Dr. NotGoodEnough moseys in, he’ll likewise be excited to hear you’ve made an appointment to determine if he’s worthy to look at your infection.

4. Talk to your dermatologist about prescription medication. If he prescribes a prescription cream to treat acne, for example, ask about side effects. Some oral medications for severe acne can cause dizziness or sensitivity to the sun, so it’s important to discuss your lifestyle with your doctor to determine what type of treatment is best for you.

Once the doctor has answered your riddles three and been allowed to gaze upon your blemishes, you’re going to want to get naked. Shit’s about to get real, people. Tell him all about your love of “Estty Lauder” cold cream you get in Chinatown and your penchant for scratching with salad buffet tongs. Brag about your year-round base tan and investment in the Sun Suite Tanning franchise in the strip mall. Try to get him to invest, painting it as the potential for more business.

Once it’s been determined what the hell your problem is (skin version) and the doctor has given you a prescription, you’re going to want to second-guess everything he says. Practice a disappointed, “Hmmmm, I don’t know about that. Will it make me faint if I’m exposed to sunlight?” When he – arrogantly! – dismisses your concern and makes a suspicious note on your chart, look out the window, shout out “HEAVEN FORFADE!” and swoon to the floor.

5. Ask about preparation, recovery and success rate if your condition requires surgical intervention. The doctor should inform you of all possible complications and risks involved. Dermatologists often perform small procedures in the office using local anesthetic.

Once you’ve come to, ask the doctor to give it to you straight. You know your odds: You have a skin thingy, for God’s sake. You’re wasting precious time! You’re probably not getting out without amputation. Demand surgery. Preemptively contact your parish priest, rabbi, imam (hedge your bets), next of kin and attorney. Yell, “Tell the world my story!” and change your will to note you’d like Dana Delaney to play you in the Lifetime movie. Grab the mask and knock yourself out.

6. Watch closely if your dermatologist performs a skin exam. If you have moles that have changed size or shape, the doctor may remove them in her office. She may ask you to watch particular areas of skin, so discuss with her how to spot suspicious moles.

Get the dried ice and carrot peeler and go to town. Learn too late what a freckle is. Congratulations, you don’t have any left.

7. Look at before and after pictures for your procedure. Keep in mind that everybody reacts differently to treatment and that your outcome may not resemble those in the doctor’s portfolio. Speak with the doctor about how he thinks your results will compare to those in the photos.

Get vain! It’s now safe to look in the mirror again! Force strangers to admire your variety of exciting new scars and compare them to your baby photos, which you’ll take to carrying around. Update your Facebook status with pictures. Hold your head up high and go win your job back at Ponderosa. Then file a motion to sue the doctor.

How to Throw an Adult Easter Egg Hunt with eHow

Of course, you were searching for “How to Throw an Adult” and landed on this page. Then you got curious and your mind wandered to exactly what happens at an adult egg hunt. (Also, if someone ever combined the eHow of porn and the eHow of conception, Adult Egg Hunt should also be the title.) You’re a liberated, Cosmo-reading woman of the ’90s, so kick up your heels, have a drink, head to the nearest adult book shop and talk your friends into abandoning their kids. Because it’s Easter!

Don’t we all miss the Easter egg hunt? The starting line, colorful woven basket in hand, heart racing, eyeballs trying to catch a glimpse of color hidden in the landscape before us. You might be surprised to find how many of us “grown-ups” get a kick out of the traditional hunt, but leave the kiddies at home folks! This party is for the mature crowd.

Slow down there, Hemingway! Between all the heart racing and eyeball strain, you’re won’t have proper time to reflect on the childhood starting lines of yore.

Before starting in the “grown up” (read: Pornographic?) egg hunting fun, you’re obviously going to need to abandon your children. Leave them at home. Or church. Whatever, I’m not their mom. Get one of those cats that can dial 911, hurl some jellybeans in their general direction and – when their Easter bonnets obscure their peripheral vision – make a run for it with the kids’ Easter baskets.

All God’s children need to get their drank on, so eHow tells you to start with a well-stocked bar. Because if anything could add to the dignity of adults running around with baskets, drinking will do it. (Note: Public drunkenness will be added to your child abandonment police charges at the end of the day.)

Easter snacks – Uh, DOI

Dozens of plastic Easter eggs – Sexy ones, preferably

A golden egg – Consult the adult bookstore

Candy and grown up goodies to stuff the eggs with
– Wink!

One large prize for the person who finds the golden egg, at the very least – Just hand out porn.

1. Set the date and send out your invitations at least a week in advance, 2-3 weeks would be better. Invitations should include the party’s date, time, your address, directions to your house or place of the party, your phone number, and a clear statement saying “leave the kiddies at home folks, this one’s for the 21 and over crowd.” You could print up a nice little invitation and fold it up to fit inside a plastic Easter egg, these should be hand delivered. Follow up with an online Evite, nice because you can set up map-quest online so guests can have another set of directions, plus Evite is set up to keep a running tally of who’s coming to the party and who’s not.

Now, I’m not one to quibble (LIE! I am one to quibble!) but is reminding people to add the time and address of the party necessary? Did the last Evite you get say:




Good move reminding people that they can’t email an actual plastic egg. And even better getting it in writing that your drunk friends should abandon their children. You’re now known in legal terms as “an accomplice.”

2. Load your plastic eggs with all kinds of funky, sexy, sweet, and grown-up treats. We all love Easter candy and the individually wrapped ones are very convenient. Think about your days as a kid, hunting for eggs. What did you like? Parachute men, mood rings, bubbles, finger puppets, yo-yo’s… a few of these things added to your loot are fun for us big kids and they’re good and cheep. Don’t forget the grown-up things; you can be as risqué as you’re comfortable with. Condoms in all kinds of varieties, the little sample sized lubricants and flavored gels, visit your local adult super store for some Easter egg sized ideas.

We’re going to pretend the loot being “cheep” is a pun and leave it at that. Concentrate on all the funky, sexy things. Now think about the toys you loved as a child. The circles do not overlap on that Venn diagram. Mull that over on your way to the local Porn Emporium (The Pornporium, off Route 9).

I’m pretty sure when Jesus was hanging on the cross, his thought was, “The pain and suffering will all be worth it in about 2,000 years when Rachel hosts her totally kick-ass Easter party with lube-filled plastic eggs. What’s lube? What’s plastic?” And then he died.

3. Decide on how many large prizes you would like to have. 1 big prize for the golden egg (my mom used to take the biggest sized plastic eggs she could find and decorate them by hot gluing on lace and fabric trim). 1 big prize for the most eggs collected. 1 consolation prize for the least eggs collected. Depending on your budget, you can do as many prize eggs as you wish. The prizes can be as simple as a big chocolate bunny (who don’t like big chocolate Easter bunnies?) To a lavishly stuffed Easter basket adding some adult store goodies with your Chocolate bunny.

The problem with calling something adult-themed is that everything that follows sounds dirty. But seriously: Golden egg, lace trim, big chocolate bunny? (And I quote “who don’t like big chocolate Easter bunnies?” Who don’t? Nobody don’t.)

Whatevs, get out your glue gun and go to town on your porn eggs, like the author’s mom used to. Don’t forget to make Kristen feel extra special for not finding many lube-eggs or next thing you know she’ll be weeping into her Easter-tini and it’ll be your 38th birthday fiasco all over again.

4. Hide your eggs. Since your crowd is a little more sophisticated then your average 3-year old, go ahead and hide those eggs in some complicated places. High in the trees, barely sticking out of perennials, behind the flower pots…

This is exactly where I would hide them for an average 3-year-old. Look alive, Kristen! On the left! No, your left. Put down our cat please. No, you can’t re-name him Mr. Meowerserton. Please stop crying.

5. Easter cocktails anyone? Set up a self-serve bar and print up a few drink recipes (an “Easter Egg” is 1 ounce blue Curacao, 1 ounce white cream de cocoa, topped with half and half served over ice – see what you can find on the internet). Add a few snacks around the bar and the place is set for the party. All you have to do is get your own self primped and ready.

Easter Egg cocktails anyone? Easter Egg cocktails everyone! Before you go have your guests half-heartedly traipsing around your house and yard, pretending they can’t see the eggs you’ve thrown into trees, you’re going to want to get them so liquored up they think they’re seeing two eggs in that tree. And before exerting themselves in the April heat, definitely pump their stomachs full of alcohol and two types of dairy products. It’ll look prettier barfed back up mixed with all the chocolate bunnies and edible panties you’re force-feeding them.

Cats can’t drink, Kristen! Go put that in the sink.

6. The actual hunt, if your guests didn’t bring Easter baskets from home, a simple plastic grocery bag will collect plenty. Even better, buy a bunch of reusable grocery bags and give them away for favors and impromptu Easter baskets for the hunt. Get your guests together and set a 20-minute time limit and release them to hunt for the Easter eggs (you’ll be laughing so hard, you won’t believe how your friends turn into such kids again). After the 20 minutes is up, gather everyone around and do an egg count. Award your big prizes and kick back and enjoy the rest of the day.

EHow, Y U first sentence in that paragraph no have grammar? While our host gasps for air and tries to articulate her thoughts better, let’s move on. Keeping the plastic bags away from Kristen’s airways and her dramatic flairs, give all your other friends souvenir grocery bags. These are the best party favors ever and you are the best hostess. You are being so green right now!

Do the mental calculations to figure how many dozens of condom eggs you’ll need to have coyly peeking out of flowerbeds to take your friends 20 full minutes to find them. Because your friends are really immature such kids again – drunk kids running around your backyard with sex toys – don’t forget to account for laughter time! Oh, there will be laughter. But somehow, it will always be preceded by mumbling you can’t quite hear. Never you mind. Just keep handing out dildos and drinks, and steering Kristen away from open flames.

After your friends have drunkenly piled in their cars, shuffling off with awkward thanks for the porn (“Get it? Playboy bunnies, like Easter bunnies? And the Rabbit vibrator? GET IT???”), after the child-endangerment police reports have all been filed and after the court dates have been set, your Easter hunt will begin: Finding the piles of vomit your friends have left behind.

Friday, April 09, 2010

More like coat of feet!

Portugal's coat of arms seems to have acquired a pair of feet. I'd like you guys to meet Porty, the Lisbon 2024 Olympic mascot.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Human drama

The scene:

The M15 uptown bus. 1st Ave.

The players:

Two high school age girls who look like they have annoying voices. (Fig. 1)

Fig. 1

An old lady who looks like that tiny gay man from Will and Grace. (Fig. 2)

A middle age woman who looked like Precious (based on the novel Push
by Sapphire), if Precious (based on the novel Push by Sapphire) were
old, blind, angry and possibly mentally ill. (Photo not found)

Aaaaaand scene...

Int. M15 bus - Night

Angry Precious (based on the novel Push by Sapphire) boards the bus
and staggers to the handicapped seats. The two annoying girls don't
move to give her enough room, but to their credit they do at least try
to assist her in sitting. She yells at them for their efforts.

So from a few rows away, Angry Will & Grace Lady yells at the girls to
move. They scoot down. Angry Precious (based on the novel Push by
Sapphire) continues to grumble/talk to her demons. Angry Will & Grace
Lady shakes in head in that judgmental "what is the world coming to"

A few stops later Angry Precious (based on the novel Push by Sapphire)
decides to relocate - walking stick a-whacking into everyone down the
aisle. Angry Will & Grace Lady goes to be the hero and show those
whipper-snappers how it's done by standing up to help Angry Precious
(based on the novel Push by Sapphire) to her new seat.

DENIED! Angry Precious (based on the novel Push by Sapphire) bats her
down and yells at her too, then goes grumbling on her way, not even
realizing the comeuppance she served.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Half-metaphor of the day

Fill in the blank:

"Blah-blah-blah_____ is like getting to go to the Grammys, only to find out your seat is behind Lady GaGa."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What year is it?

Michael is looking terrib ... oh, wait, now I remember.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

My audition to be Cindy Adams

Best scene of the week.

Lower East Side, two cars get into a fender bender. The two drivers - both young and tough - hop out, puffing themselves up for a fight. They inspect their respective cars, see there's no damage, high five each other and drive away.

Only in New York, kids. Only in New York.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Thought of the day

Your thought to ruminate on for the day: Why are there no capital numbers?