I got options, personally and professionally!

Imagine starting your dream job and meeting the man of your dreams on the same day! The wonderment!

Hi there, Craig's List!

Writers needed to take various ideas for movies from air to paper.Everyone will be given equity in the project and any other help i can offer right now, besides money.Risk and reward, think about it and weigh it;it makes sense because it doesnt.H20 is free but people pay $2.50 for it in a bottle.I have connections into the industry,but I want to do my own thing WITH NEW YOUNG positive energetic PEOPLE.Must be able to help get my creativeness and your colaborations onto paper.Will do any contracts or agreements, within reason, u want. I am not here to hurt anyone........lets see what happens.

Any time someone goes out of their way to specifically mention their intent to NOT hurt you, you should definitely enter into a contract with them.

And hello Miguel!

hola busco a una persona sincera y amorosapor siempre.
I LATIN,LIV IN PASSIC NEW JERSEY,I LIVE ALONE,MY MOTHER AND BROTHER LIVING APART,,,I LOOKING RELATIOSHIP FOREVER.
ESCRIBEME Y LUEGO TE ENVIARE MI FOTO OK
DEMUESTRAS AMOR,TERNURA Y SINCERIDAD EN TUS FOTOS.
MI NAME IS MIGUEL.
YOU SPEAK SPANIH?

I think the question is, my good sir: do YOU speak "spanih"?

Bloutout™!

You may or may not be aware, but I'm actually not the only blog in the game. With that in mind, I'd like to start giving blog shoutouts (Bloutouts? Yes, ok, we'll go with Bloutouts™)

Allow me to introduce: sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com



Where else you gonna get all the innate comedy of the stock market combined with the hilarity of recession? That's what I thought.

Mother. Moose-hunter. Maverick. My God she scares me.

So...Sarah Palin, huh America? She's your Crystal Pepsi Great Idea of the Year™?

She won that debate last night because she didn't strip down to a bathing suit and start twirling a baton? Even though her debate style is Mad-Libs-like in its fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-buzzword quality? U-S-A! U-S-A! A-L-A-S-K-A!

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, John McCain has made domestic drilling a cornerstone of his campaign, yet that will only provide a fraction of oil needed and none of that oil will be available for 10 years. How do you account for that?

Gov. Palin: Gee shucks golly Gwen, when's the talent portion?

GI: You do realize you're in a debate, not a beauty pageant, correct?

SP: You know what? I brought my flute just in case. I'm a-gonna play you a lil' tune I play for my baby with special needs.

Launches into You're a Grand Old Flag.

GI: You still have 20 seconds governor. Care to elaborate?

Palin shoots a moose that's wandered onto the stage.

GI: Senator Biden, you have 90 seconds for a rebuttal.

Palin winks at the camera, like Bugs Bunny at the end of a cartoon.


And if you had any doubt that when she does make a full sentence, people who've been speaking English their whole lives have trouble following it, here's a good, old-fashioned sentence diagram from an interview: (Click to enlarge.)

Line forms to the left, fellas.

Let's review what's going on with my face right now:

1. I'm producing medically unadvisable amounts of snot that cause me to honk loudly every few minutes into a tissue.

1a.) Therefore my undernose is red and chapped, like a sad, red Hitler moustache.

2.) I have a sty by my right eye.

3.) I have a bad mofo of a coldsore chillin' out in the bottom left corner of my mouth. My Kate emoticon looks like this now :-).
This is not herpes, as my friend pointed out. It's just one sore, so it's really just herpe. A herp, if you will.

I'd like to point out that so far not one of these ailments is a zit, which bodes well for me. Furthmore, I'd like to point out that I'm single. Somehow.

My God, look at that unbridled fury

Feel their wrath!

Is this your card?

There are dark, unexplainable forces at work in our world. What makes a serial killer strike? Why do innocent children get sick? Why aren't the Yankees in the playoffs?

WHAT SATANIC ABILITIES ALLOW DAVID BLAINE TO HANG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE A TREE SLOTH?



I mean, if it's not Satan himself, what force would let a man suspend himself for a Dive of Death™ with only the sturdiest harness system and specially built steel structure to save him?

My friend and I went to see David hanging around (HAHAHA!) the other night around 9 p.m. and waited to get that picture until 9:20 p.m. because DB was right-side up the entire time. He was peeing, drinking, talking to doctors and having his blood pressure taken. Trust me, I did a lot of handstands my 6th grade year and I was upside down more of the day than he was. We thought he was calling it quits, but it turns out - according to his PR guy - he never promised to hang upside down the entire time. "NAH NAH, got you on a technicality mofos!" he added. He was heard muttering "suckers" as he slunk off into the dark of night, pulling his magic cloak of secrecy around him.

Between the two of us, my friend and I have now seen him buried alive, encased in ice, standing on top of a tower and living in an underwater bubble. (Bonus points: My friend was tossed out of the ice stunt because his friend extinguished a cigarette on the ice.)



This was actually going to be my Christmas card a few years ago:


This is the human version of the view for the reindeer at the back of the pack. Hope your holidays are magic!

Hahaha, maybe they can wipe with AIG stock!

Hey guys, remember when the economy collapsed like 48 hours ago and you called your mom and were all like, "See? Even if I'd gone into business instead of a creative field I'd still be in trouble." ? No, just me? That's OK because our friends at MSNBC don't seem to remember the financial crisis either.

Try to keep in mind that this is not The Onion.

Watch out, Patrick

I was up last night with my litany of midnight worries when - thanks to Facebook - I actually said, "Oh shit, my cousin roundhouse kicked me last week. I really need to throw a sheep at him tomorrow."

You can't win the human race unless someone else loses

I had a friend running a 10k last weekend called The Human Race.

First of all, this is the best name for a race ever. Second, The Human Race should be treated as a metaphor for life.

Via text:

Me: Go speed racer!
Him: It doesn’t start until 6 p.m., but thanks.
Me: Don’t let that stop you! You don’t wait for them to tell you when the human race starts. Life is won by those who make their own start times.
Him: You’re right. I might win if I start now.
Me: That’s the spirit!
Him: Cheating gets you ahead.
Me: That’s right. But just like life, somehow Donald Trump and a bunch of models are going to win.
Him: The finish line is gonna be pretty depressing if this is a metaphor.
Me: There are two finish lines: Victory and death.
Him: That’s a good tagline for a movie.
Me: Yes, for our upcoming rapper-turned-inner-city-teacher movie.
Him: Haha
Me: So much more inspiring than the sequel about an inter-city teacher who just has a bitch of a commute.