Thursday, February 28, 2008

"Ma, I’m a BIG STAR! I bought you a security system!"

The Oscar™ image I’ve been searching for is Javier Bardem’s mom. (I’m timely!) When he won, they cut away to Pilar Bardem wearing literally every piece of jewelry she owns. Half dozen necklaces! Both arms full of bangles! A ring on each and every finger, like brass knuckles! She looked like an insecure pirate. What led up to that image?


Place: Bardem household
Time: Oscar night. Just before the limo arrives.

Mrs. Bardem: One more necklace is really gonna make this outfit sing, Jav.

Javier: I think you’ve got enough, Ma. Your jewelry box is empty.

Mrs. Bardem: Not quite. Pass me that macaroni necklace you made in the Spanish equivalent of pre-school.

Javier: We can just call it pre-school, Ma.

Mrs. Bardem: Macaroni necklace!

Javier: Here you go. And the rings? Do you really need one for each finger?

Mrs. Bardem: Remember last year I had to punch Nicole Kidman when she stole your seat? I’m not taking that chance again.

Javier: I know, she still has that ruby imprint from the uppercut. Ma, I told you, I’m a big star now. You gotta stop punching people.

Mrs. Bardem: Anyway, I told all the girls at canasta and the salon that my son, Javier, is taking me to the Oscars™ tonight. Everyone knows we’re there. What if they break in?

Javier: What kind of crowd are you running with? And I told you: Ma, I’m a BIG STAR! I bought you a security system!

Mrs. Bardem: Besides, I don’t trust your maid. She only speaks Spanish.

Javier: Maaaaaaa… we’re gonna be late. Wait, you’re Spanish. We’re having this conversation in Spanish.

Mrs. Bardem: You know what? I’m just going to take the jewelry box with me. I’ll just carry it like a purse.

Javier: You can’t do that, Ma. Ellen Page will laugh at us. What are you doing?

Mrs. Bardem: Help me load up the good silver.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I stopped voluntarily learning new things like eight years ago

Is there a word for when you repeat a word and emphasize the first one. Like, “I like Neil Patrick Harris but I don’t like him like him.” Or “I need a job job.” I used to wonder, then - like all things I can't answer - I ignored it until it went away. But the question has again risen, like Jesus ... or bread dough.

I would look it up, but my Google search would be, “Words that you repeat and emphasize the first one to give phrase new meaning. Wut iz term, internetz?” The whole thing is way too LOL Cats and I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of the Google.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I'm not saying all redheads look alike but...

I know what you're thinking: "Kate, why did you spend all those hours Photoshopping a dress onto Conan O'Brien?"

Oscar fever, my friends. Some people practice their speeches in the mirror with a hairbrush, some enter Oscar pools, some play fashion police. This is my thing.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Excerpts from Kate! the musical

Some real-life moments I'll use in a play or allegory or something someday.


A boy and girl, mid-20s, sit at a bar on a first date.

Boy: My friend was in that NBC page program, like on 30 Rock.
Girl: Oh yeah? I knew a girl doing that, like a year ago.
Boy: What does she do for NBC now?
Girl: I dunno. Last time I saw her she was getting her hair cut on the Today Show.


New mom talks to her babysitter before leaving for work.

Mom: Our doorman asked me yesterday if you were Russian.
Girl: Uhhh…I like vodka, but nope.
Mom: I didn’t think so. I mean your last name and everything. And you don’t look Russian.
Girl: Yeah, that’s odd.
Mom: I thought so too, but he’s Russian and I realized he can’t think of a better compliment.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's merriment

Tonight, on the way to meet some friends to drink away the emotional parfait that is Valentine's Day, I passed the park of the Notorious Breakup. It was one of my finest hours.

Seriously, there should be a plaque to me.

The Newly Ex and I met up for a lunch that day, and I'd written one of those fuck you/I'll always care for you/go to hell/best of luck with everything notes that tackles everything you want to say to someone you might see for the final time, sealed it and went to meet him.

He ripped it up dramatically without opening it, saying I should say whatever I have to say in person. Instead I handed him an identical handwritten copy of the note.

"What's this?"
"A copy of the same note."
"What? Why?"
"Because I know you well enough that I knew you'd want to make a dramatic statement by ripping it up, but you also want to know what it says, so now you can have it both ways."

And in the middle of the breakup, we both smiled.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Stupid WW II ruined my weekend

My best friend in high school made the mistake of watching My Dog Skip the week before we left for college and it made her sob for hours (and then made the mistake of telling me about it).

I always think about that when someone tells me they're shocked I haven't seen The Notebook. Look, I love me some Ryan Gosling as much as any girl with eyes, (even once dated a guy for pretty much the sole reason that he would get mistaken for RG) but I don't like crying in my free time, thanks.

This all leads me to a warning: Don't see Atonement unless you need to cry. A lot. In fact, don't see any movie getting "Oscar buzz," as the kids call it. It's getting awards so you know it doesn't end well.

I was suckered by the beautiful ads. James McAvoy's accent. That kickass green dress Keira Knightly wears in that one scene. I should have just saved my pennies for The Hottie or the Nottie, starring Paris Hilton (as the ... hottie? Wait, that can't be. My monocle fell off in surprise so I can't quite tell from the poster.)

I just kind of looked blankly at my friends after we were done and said, “Well, looks like I’m off for a fun Saturday night cry.” And spent the rest of the weekend (until the Super Bowl) just sort of staring off into the distance and sighing.

Monday, February 04, 2008

18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1! 18-1!

Oh my God the Super Bowl, y’all!

That should really be the New York Times headline today. They had a typo with: “Making Most of 2nd Chance, Giants Seize Patriots’ Day.”

Oops. When it’s the Kate Times I’ll fix it in the archives.

After the GREATEST GAME EVER ended, I called my dad and congratulated him like he was Eli Manning. Actually, he was a great unsung hero of the game, having stayed up until the 9 p.m. finish despite having to work at 4 a.m. And the good listeners of NPR are very lucky the Giants won or today’s morning show would have just been An Hour of Stony Silence with Joe.

Also, after the last touchdown, someone at the bar yelled out "Tom Brady needs to be a better father!"

The Yankees haven’t delivered in the three years I’ve lived in New York (ahem, Derek Jeter) and the war hasn’t been wrapped up yet (ahem, George Bush) so I haven’t been able to publicly celebrate with people. It was like V-J Day in Times Square out there. People were honking and hugging in the street and I quickly reached my high-five quota for the year (8). (Don't try to high five me for the rest of the year.)

Then I overturned a car for no reason. I was just that happy.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Latkes for everyone!

There used to be this massive J-Date billboard
in Times Square with a group of super phyched looking Jewish couples. They're just so happy and Semitic! I felt really left out and wanted to be a part of the fun.

Then I got an idea for a show: A group of non-Jewish girls join J-Date to meet Jewish guys. I'm calling it "Goldstein Diggers." Hilarity and whatever's going on in the photo at right ensue. Stay tuned when she accidentally cooks a non-Kosher meal for his boss! Will his mother like her? (Hint: No) And, of course a Very Special Episode™ with a mohel. (Tentatively entitled "The mohel you know.")

You're getting two puns for the price of one today. You're welcome.

Oversized novelty check please, Hollywood. Better yet, quarters so I can dive into them like Scrooge McDuck.