Monday, October 27, 2008

Two late contenders

OK...some dark horses in the halloween costume race.

1. Crazy lady from the McCain rally who called Obama an Arab. Bonus: already have a blond bob wig I can gel up.

2. The letter G, missing from the end of all of Sarah Palin's verbs.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Topical Halloween!

Please help me narrow down my Halloween choices.


1. The lovechild of Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber. Ripped off suit jacket sleeves, tattoos on one arm. Sarah Palin hair and glasses. A plunger.

2. Drill, Baby, Drill. A baby with a drill. It explains itself.

3. My friend thought of it, but I want to steal it. This handsome gal, the McCain supporter too dumb to get the "B" she wrote in the mirror not backwards who claimed she got jumped by a black guy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Further adventures in confusion

Starbucks employee #1: I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

Starbucks employee #2: That song isn't from Anger Management like everyone thinks.

Kate (thinking): WTF? Who thinks that?

Starbucks employee #1: Really? I thought it was.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Reverse Bloutout

I realize Bloutout is a pretty new feature for me to be changing up already, but I'm blogging about this site so you don't have to go there.

How often are you, the lowly office worker, stuck at your desk for lunch, merely subsisting on a sandwich freshly made to your specifications, or eating leftovers - the same food that was good enough for you the night before, but has turned into unpalatable gruel overnight? I know, right? Why would you do that, pauper! There's gotta be a better way!

Enter your lunchtime angel, Ivanka Trump. The "blonde" daughter of Donald "Add my name in gold letters to that building" Trump has heard your cries of anguish. While the rest of us were content to look the other way, brave Ivanka has removed the silver spoon she was currently eating with long enough to start a blog. The result is a food giveaway with the zeal of a person who just found Jesus. In partnership with ConAgra foods.

I present to you:

A Lunch Trade

Ivanka - who can now add blogger for luncheon meats to a resume already crowded with a network show, modeling career and upcoming (no lie) diamond line - is dropping science about the hardships lunch presents, for all of us.

Ok, best I can figure from the blog, this product is far superior to every other thing you could ever eat because the meat can be stored in your desk unrefrigerated for a year. Sign me up to eat that!

But don't take my word for it. Ivanka?

Or just take irrefutable scientific facts. Quantifiable measurements like coast-to-halfway-to-the-other-coast buzz.

Despite her repeated assurances throughout the posts that she wants to hear from you about your lunch break, there are under 20 comments on the entire blog. But the ones that are there are doozies. They're written in a humanoid corporate-speak style that no one has ever spoken in. Like aliens came to earth and mastered the language without getting it right. Can you imagine when you're out with your friends at the bar on Friday, they ask what you had for lunch that day, and you say:

But I think these comments of praise for Ivanka getting the word out sum up the whole venture:

And, in closing:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Joe the plumber 2012! UPDATE: With bonus grammar

The media may have plunged into covering McCain and Obama fighting like Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger over custody of Joe the Plumber last night, but they missed the real story: McCain is going to eat Obama's hindquarters! That's so in the tank for McCain of them to not warn Barry!

In my newspaper days, I spent a decent chunk of my downtime combing through the AP wire photos for the most embarrassing pictures of President Bush I could find. At Christmas, my friend/fellow prisoner R. Justin took the highlights and stuck them on the office's Christmas tree. Then I made everyone Festivus poles out of paper clips. Holidays! This picture would have been the star on top of the tree.

Hello,, my old friend! What belongs to the "McCains' " in that sentence? Besides America's heart, obviously.

Hey, that's better!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

D'ohnuts Bloutout™!

I'm pretty sure now is a great time for me to promote a Burger King website for a movie that came out last summer. Timely! Also, now is a great time to get a subprime mortgage. Nothing could possibly go wrong there!

Monday, October 13, 2008

We girls can do anything, right Barbie?

In related news, I'd just like to tell my sister, Annie, that I looked into the 1987 disappearance of her My Little Pony named Butterscotch, and I definitely had nothing to do with it. Case closed!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I got options, personally and professionally!

Imagine starting your dream job and meeting the man of your dreams on the same day! The wonderment!

Hi there, Craig's List!

Writers needed to take various ideas for movies from air to paper.Everyone will be given equity in the project and any other help i can offer right now, besides money.Risk and reward, think about it and weigh it;it makes sense because it doesnt.H20 is free but people pay $2.50 for it in a bottle.I have connections into the industry,but I want to do my own thing WITH NEW YOUNG positive energetic PEOPLE.Must be able to help get my creativeness and your colaborations onto paper.Will do any contracts or agreements, within reason, u want. I am not here to hurt anyone........lets see what happens.

Any time someone goes out of their way to specifically mention their intent to NOT hurt you, you should definitely enter into a contract with them.

And hello Miguel!

hola busco a una persona sincera y amorosapor siempre.

I think the question is, my good sir: do YOU speak "spanih"?


You may or may not be aware, but I'm actually not the only blog in the game. With that in mind, I'd like to start giving blog shoutouts (Bloutouts? Yes, ok, we'll go with Bloutouts™)

Allow me to introduce:

Where else you gonna get all the innate comedy of the stock market combined with the hilarity of recession? That's what I thought.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Mother. Moose-hunter. Maverick. My God she scares me.

So...Sarah Palin, huh America? She's your Crystal Pepsi Great Idea of the Year™?

She won that debate last night because she didn't strip down to a bathing suit and start twirling a baton? Even though her debate style is Mad-Libs-like in its fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-buzzword quality? U-S-A! U-S-A! A-L-A-S-K-A!

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, John McCain has made domestic drilling a cornerstone of his campaign, yet that will only provide a fraction of oil needed and none of that oil will be available for 10 years. How do you account for that?

Gov. Palin: Gee shucks golly Gwen, when's the talent portion?

GI: You do realize you're in a debate, not a beauty pageant, correct?

SP: You know what? I brought my flute just in case. I'm a-gonna play you a lil' tune I play for my baby with special needs.

Launches into You're a Grand Old Flag.

GI: You still have 20 seconds governor. Care to elaborate?

Palin shoots a moose that's wandered onto the stage.

GI: Senator Biden, you have 90 seconds for a rebuttal.

Palin winks at the camera, like Bugs Bunny at the end of a cartoon.

And if you had any doubt that when she does make a full sentence, people who've been speaking English their whole lives have trouble following it, here's a good, old-fashioned sentence diagram from an interview: (Click to enlarge.)

Line forms to the left, fellas.

Let's review what's going on with my face right now:

1. I'm producing medically unadvisable amounts of snot that cause me to honk loudly every few minutes into a tissue.

1a.) Therefore my undernose is red and chapped, like a sad, red Hitler moustache.

2.) I have a sty by my right eye.

3.) I have a bad mofo of a coldsore chillin' out in the bottom left corner of my mouth. My Kate emoticon looks like this now :-).
This is not herpes, as my friend pointed out. It's just one sore, so it's really just herpe. A herp, if you will.

I'd like to point out that so far not one of these ailments is a zit, which bodes well for me. Furthmore, I'd like to point out that I'm single. Somehow.