Friday, January 26, 2007

All I know is all y'all gettin' served

It's a big week! I've beaten my previous record for most eclectic sentence pertaining to New York activities.

A Certain Someone: What are you up to today?
Me: Well, I just saw a Chihuahua get hit by a taxi, now I’m eating a sno-cone at a Ukrainian street festival. What are you up to?

New sentence:
Last night I went to Norman Mailer’s book signing, tomorrow I’m going to hip-hop class.

Yes, really. I made the mistake of doing “beginner” ballet a few months ago and while it wasn’t advanced in the toe-shoe-and-anorexia sense, the teacher and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on what beginner entailed. I thought it meant a little barre work and some simple combinations. I shone on the barre, sandwiched between some NYU girls and a 70-year-old woman, but the next thing I knew I was trying to simultaneously translate French terms and figure out how to do them. I flailed like a fish who had pirouetted out of her fishbowl while the teacher called out “Battement! Arabesque! Fouetté! Rond de Jambe!” I Jetéd the hell on out the door.

I have higher hopes for hip-hop. My friend knows the teacher, and she keeps stressing how easy it is, how much fun it is, how the teacher just choreographed a Nike ad. I keep stressing how very very white I am. I gave her a sample of my spastic arm-and-feet-jerking that I call dance. She said the teacher can work with me.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Theories on life: The Essence Sentence

I have theories. And a blog. Which means if you’re reading this you’re gonna listen to my theories. On your company’s dime.

The first theory I discovered by accident one night at work a few years ago. There was a reporter I worked with who was constantly eating. Like plate-o’-pasta-at-10-a.m. kind of eating. I'm not sure if it was all the food, but she was also really flighty.

My work friend and I were trying to figure out how to sum her up and explain her to someone when she actually did it herself up quite nicely one night after she got back from covering a ribbon-cutting ceremony:

Me: {Reporter} this is a good quote, but you didn’t get the person’s name.
Her: Oops! I got distracted; there was cake.

Her very essence summed up into one little sentence. (P.S. She accidentally got pregnant a year or so later and we changed her sentence to “I got distracted; there was cock.”)

I’ve think everyone will do this once. It can’t be forced and nobody else can do it for you. It just falls out of your mouth one day.

Know-it-all esteemed and beloved former co-worker: “I’m never wrong and I’m right again this time.”
HB (my friend the Hibernating Bear, called that for her ability to sleep 13 hours a night): “Sometimes I get confused, wait, was I telling you that or Lauren?”

And then there’s another co-worker. (I’ll call him Vest for his insistence on wearing sweater vests on casual Friday.) He’s really nice, but I was trying to explain to someone why (besides the sweater vests) I couldn’t see myself dating him. Enter The Essence Sentence: “I just can’t wait to move to the suburbs.”

Now I have nothing against the burbs. It’s perfectly fine if you end up there. It’s possible I could be happy there myself someday, with all my little Kate Juniors running around, but it just doesn’t seem like a proper aspiration for a 26 year old guy.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Ohhhh...there's my wig and passport.

My friend Lauren came by my desk the other day and asked if I had a plastic bag. I did. In the bag were the following:

a pair of shoes
some money
a blonde wig and ...
my passport.

WTF? Was I going to rob a bank? Did I rob a bank? Am I a flight risk?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'll fox wichya part 2: Even foxing wichya-er

One dingy, tiny (had to measure to make sure my bed would fit) room down, many to go. The housing quest continues. Also, I now smell blue cheese at all times. Is that concerning to anyone else?

I spent a lot of my pre-New York days defending my choice to move to the Big Scary City. I can see where someone would get the wrong impression, sure, what with Sopranos and Carrie and company (equally frightful) running around.
But I like to think the city is full of people like my coworkers, who I watched around Christmas time when take down a dessert tray like lions with a gazelle. Clearly they were people out for blood. And how scary can a city be with people like Wesley "Bravest man who ever lived" Autrey, who dove on the subway tracks to save a man? He made New Yorkers look great, and for that I thank him.

But then someone can go and, in one fell swoop, undo all that hard work:


Seriouse dude, why you gotta be shoutin' yo tender love propositionz? I do like that you're a block from the subway so I can make a quick escape though. Also, I'm loving that he wants his roomee to put down a security deposit (a SYXY deposit) in order to move in. Oh yeah, and keep the place clean.

* I am 34 years old male, I am 6tf toll, spanish, college engineering stunden almost finish. if you have a wonderful hearth and with no boy friend, I would like to share my bedroom with you.

Do you think “hearth” means heart or health? It's like a spork! Either way, my hearth IS wonderful! Please pick me, you toll, toll studen.

And last we have:

* before you read, note: When you reply I will send you an email addresing some of your questions... I will send you another email for all of us to meet and I will introduce myself and explain everything further.

So here's the deal guys.... I live in rent stabalized housing on the UWS.... yes I know, it's the best area of the city... I'm on west 94th right next to Riverside park; and guess what? there are a whole lot of apartments just like mine on my block, in fact there are two buildings... I am willing to help people get these apartments...FOR A SMALL DONATION... please read on...

The reason why I'm being so gracious with my time and fruitful knowledge is because I don't like the owners... The people in the buildings right now do not even know that the places are stabalized and I'm going to inform them (this will really piss off the owner) because the real rent is no more than 500.00 per month (any in most cases less) but these guys are paying between 2000.00 to 3000.00 a month... so anyway, I'm going to place people in the building... before you ask... yes, there are enough rooms, and no I'm not getting anyone kicked out. I'll explain all of this at the meeting, if you'd like to come.

Now, just to let all of you know... this will take a bit of doing on my part which will most certainly take away my time and energy, so I will need a fee of 700.00 it's only fair (I know I was asking for a $200 donation but I've already put people in the buildings so the demand is greater and so is my job)... I'll be giving up a lot of my time. I swear on my mother, you'll be saving hundreds. (thousands when you account that the apt. is yours for life with no rise in rent.) ALSO, THIS WILL BE THE SECOND GROUP THAT I WILL BE PLACING IN. Therefore, you can actually talk to some of the people whom I've already gotten apts. for for verification that I am legitimate.

Unfortunatly, this is not easy to do and I have to do some serious trickery to get you guys in and therefore I can only get you in if you have a) an out of state id, or a foreign passport and b) a checking account (no, I don't want to see your account number and I'm not an African who is going to ask you to send money to his sick grandma overseas) but you will need to pay for a room, and this needs to be done online, hence the checking account. The total cost of getting you in minus my little cut should set you back about 300.00 (you can thank me later).

Good luck to everybody, and to those of you whom I am not able to help out, I am truly sorry. To those of you who fit the bill... this isn't a contest but it is first come first serve; once it's done... it's done... good luck.

oh, ps... My ad keeps getting flagged, so keep trying and I will too. Stay strong in your housing struggles.... – Rowe

I think it's assumed my check is in the mail. Serious trickery? Big fan. But I will, Rowe, stay strong in my housing struggles. Fight the power, man.

I too had a dream

I almost never remember my dreams, but (presumably in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day) I had a memorable one the other night.

I was baby-sitting for Calvin and Hobbes. They weren’t cartoons or real, they were that weird CGI “Toy Story” kind of thing. (I don’t think I was Rosalyn, but I’m not sure.)

I found out Calvin was autistic. As soon as his mom told me, I was like, "Oh it all makes sense now. The Transmogrifier, complex abstract thought, tiger fixation, trouble socializing with Susie Derkins."

Wait, am I Dr. MLK Jr.? I might be. That would explain some things, like why you never see the two of us in the same place at the same time.

Monday, January 15, 2007

I'd fox wichya all if I could

Oh Craig. You and your diabolical list.

The black mold/Crazy Monica/not being able to communicate with people in my neighborhood is driving me out. That's right, I've plunged into the heart of human darkness that is Craig's List New York to try to find a new apartment.

Note that didn't say "new living situation/pimp." Apparently I'm alone in that boat, since a disproportionate number of people use Craig's List apartment rentals as a dating service. Also, apparently "Pic" in the headline will often be of the poster instead of the apartment.

When you begin your apartment hunt, you might make the offhand comment "I'll take it if it's free haha." Don't do that. You pay even more when it's free.

Here are the ones I can afford:

* WHY AM I GETTING FLAGGED ? PLEASE SOME1 TELL ME, email em and tell meee whyyy lol
Hey , I am about to lock up either a one bedroom or studio apt in central gramercy location. I am a male 21 year old student currently attending baruch college. I am cute, babyfaced , built body (been slacking lately but will get up on it , promise). I am looking for preferably a female to share a one bedroom with , but will consider a male , as long as you are NOT gay, or act gay. If you prefer the bedroom , that might work out as well.Mostly I think it would be easiest to get along with a female. I have lots of female friends who I am cool with , NO SEX , I will not put you in an uncomfortable position considering you will be sleeping here. I am interested in just going to school daily , studying , and relaxing. Nothing crazy. If you are up for catching a couple drinks whenever stressed out , Ill fox wichya.

I'll Fox wichya is my new catchphrase. It'll be my "What you talking about Willis?" or "How rude!" or "Seacrest out."

* seeking any young male house companion for free rent. just clean up and u can live for free. u be young and black. send me a pic. i know how it is 2 struggle out there so i just want somebody i could help out. be gay or bi or something like that. disease free here...u be 2...just holla at me peace out. i'm latino by the way just tryin to help and be my friend.

It's wrong that I was originally pissed that I didn't qualify, right? Aren't there housing discrimination laws?

* Just looking for a beautiful soul and body who might be interested in exploring a mutually benefical relationship that would make both our days and nights pass by with pleasure and kindness. Sharing time and space body and soul can be an amazing experience ...... and yes the rent can easily dissolve like soft smoke.

With poetry like that flowing out of you, I can't believe you're still on the market. Hurrah imagery!

* Looking for a Japanese famale room mate
Convienent location. Close to schools, public transportation, and supermarket.
All utilities included. No pets. No smoking.

Wait for it:

I'm not Japanese

* A wealthy and kind White male in his 30s, a foreigner who has recently moved to Manhattan, is offering a spare bedroom/bath in his large apartment to a friendly, nice, roomate who will add to my life here in NYC. I don't need the money so I'm not charging rent. The bedroom is private and located on the upper-E. side of Manhattan in a great area in a nice building. To respond send a photo and your contact info (cell) and pls. describe yourself.

He's wealthy and kind! How do I know that? Oh, I don't know...maybe because it says so right in the ad? Plus, he's a "foreigner." Not Italian, not Argentinian, not Taiwanese. Just foreign. Also I'm sure he's "employed" by an "employer" and he does "things" for his "money." Odds that private room has a hidden camera: 4:3

* Us: Two mid twenties women, artists, musicians, poetry lovers, visionaries, priestesses, bakers, crystal magic music makers, rainbow eaters, tarot readers. We a create a peaceful friendly quiet home.

You: A joyous male! Kind, considerate, friendly, employed, smokers OK, no heavy drugs, no live-in partners, bill payer.

Me: No
You: Stay away from me, priestess rainbow eater.

And a lesson in what happens if you answer an ad on Craig's List...

* So, I was staying with a guy in the Bronx short-termly...and he was helping me out while I got my shit together..come t find out, he had other ideas of how to repay him for the free which I was incredibly un-comfortable with. He came to me through text messages, while I was in my room...with indecent proposals. Because I would not comply with expectations, to say the least, he would harrass me. I JUST recently this weekend made a break and got out. I am staying all the way in Brooklyn with a friend of mine. At least I am safe and don't have to worry about being harrassed and sent 30 text messages a day. I am in DESPERATE need of a room...whether it be short/long-term.
Also, I have an ADORABLEEEE kitten named JB. If you don't like cats, I can't live with you.

(Cut to huge picture of scowling cat.)

* Love to live w Hairy,, / RESCUED Animals?W Coast Jersey

Uh, yeah. That's the whole ad.

* I am a young businessman. I own several businesses. I am looking for a young, bubbly, hassle free female with no attachments or baggage. You must be a "do it all" kind of girl and you should be willing to go that extra mile when needed. You will share my studio loft located Manhattan, New York City in exchange for work. Manage my two stores receive a small stipend and commission. You will be my right hand, live rent free and gain alot of experience.
Email your picture and telephone number.

"Do it all" kind of girl? Could you even try to disguise your intent?

But here's the one who has stolen my heart...

* This is a tiny loftbed bedroom,$200/mo., for 5'3", or less small stature female, (due to small space) with 39" twin bed, 4'hanging rod, bureau, card table desk and storage space. Has ca. tv. must do some light housework. Apt. is 4Br.,2Ba. duplex, on gr. fl. 120 year old bldg. util. incl., clean, safe, quiet. No sec., dep. or ref. req. Liv. rm. BR. may be used at certain times. I have a roomate now. apt. could hold another. Situation...just a little socializing once in a while, nothing personal.(will explain)free snacks at times. wow!

We agree that I should be going with the guy who has the loft bed, right? Damn me for being too tall! There are snacks involved. How can I say no to that? As I told my friends, it's the snacks that seal the deal/my fate.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Oh come on!

I'm still busy adjusting my resume to fit on "Time magazine person of the year 2006" and now I have to fix Iraq too? Get in line, Bush.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Jst ssy nOtto drgs, txtin

I think the great divide of my 20-something generation is text messaging. More specifically text-speak. I may be pecking away for 45-minutes, but damn if I’m not going to type out “you” and “too.” I’ve got spare time. I’ll make the time.

I think for people who had texting in high school, it’s totally different. The people I know just a few years younger than me have no trouble saying “R U going 2?”

Then there are people a few decades older who somehow get a hold of this skill and take to it like they’re bilingual. It’s like hearing your parents saying “dawg” or "fo shizzle." (Sidenote: I know a guy named Rezart, and I always think of him as the guy whose parents Snoopified his name before Snoop could.)

The following is from one of my favorite bosses, who is currently on vacation. (And, obviously, "v rlxd") He told me recently that one of his sons taught him to text message. The result:

Kate: v rlxd, tx. Lst gd...Bt wht r 1) pigybk lon & 2) HELOC? DARK (dnt asume reader knows)...& list othr stories in estate plng series? & owning indiv stk "may add risk" vs "risky" subtle dif bt imptnt; then intro rdrs 2 balance sheet & income ptmt. F u hv othr guidancce frm (project redacted) it trumps me. Bk now 2 vacatn. See u th or send qn f u hv 1. Tx slm

PS these days shd note exchange-traded funds in tandem w/ mutual funds. ETFs pbly deserve own story later unless we've covered already. 10-4 cheers slm

This was in my email this morning. I actually had to get a co-worker who knows him better to translate.

1.) Did he lose the use of opposable thumbs in Florida? 2.) I like when people who say "dnt asume reader knows" send it in an indecipherable text. 3.) Please note the part that says "F u"

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Get ready to have your mind blown


Nothing will bond two people faster than a weirdo in their midsts. True when seeing jerkoffs on Segways (this weekend), true when a homeless man wipes his fecal matter on the subway window (last Tuesday), and true in World War I (1914).

Shall I proceed? Yes indeed.

Today CNN gave me my daily Miss USA/Trump/O'Donnell brief (cause I'm busy. I gots mad stuff to do, yo):

And I couldn't help but think how much like WW Uno this celebrity fiasco has become. Let's do a little compare and contrast...

WWI: The enemy of the enemy is my friend.
Donald Trump: Trump.

Franz Ferdinand figure
WWI: Franz Ferdinand
DT: Miss USA

Why the pile-on?
WWI: Treaty alliance system
DT: Money? The Apprentice L.A.'s rating?

Starring in World War I the musical:

Rosie O'Donnell as Serbia (mocked Trump's pompadour and giving second chance to Miss USA = Harboring Black Hand, group that organized shooting)

The Donald as Austria-Hungary (called O'Donnell a fat slob or whatever = unsatisfied with Serbia's response)

Barbara Walters as Russia (uncomfortably caught between a lesbian and a hard-head = bound by treaty to Serbia, announced mobilization of its vast army.)

The Insider's Pat O'Brian as Germany (under contract to promote "The Apprentice" = allied to Austria-Hungary by treaty, viewed the Russian mobilization as an act of war against Austria-Hungary, and after scant warning declared war on Russia. Ed. note: Watch out, Ro!)

Madonna as France (Wants to be one of Bab's most interesting people of 2007 = bound by treaty to Russia, found itself at war against Germany and, by extension, on Austria-Hungary)

Here's my prediction for next week:

And introducing Posh Spice as England (Totes new BFF 4-eva, plus bonus appropriate accent = allied to France by treaty that placed a "moral obligation" upon her to defend France.)

Spooked yet? It's like when you synched up "The Wizard of Oz" and "Dark Side of the Moon" or found out Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Just another hometown hero, doing his part

My New Year's resolutions will have to wait. There are more pressing matters at hand. Matters like my new favorite letter to the editor.

As we learned in part one, English be hard. This particular newspaper has thrown standards, and editing practice, to the wind with this one. How do they choose which letters to run? Well, if you write a letter, they will print that letter.

Off we go...

I am writing this letter in response to a letter Wednesday, “Our sheriff isn't fitting of his office,” offered up by I think, a rotten loser.

Bam! You came out swinging. This is what a steady diet of Fox News punditry does to the elderly. You do get some credit by reprinting the name of the borderline nonsensical headline to take some heat off the following...

I have known and worked for Sheriff (redacted) “Peanuts” (redacted) for the past 19 years. He is a man of integrity, brevity and of a very outgoing personality.

It’s ok. It’s just a few grammatical stumbles, it's still salvageable. (Although maybe Peanuts is indeed of "brevity and a very outgoing personality.") There’s no time to lose when you have a point to make that’s as important as…

Just because an individual doesn't win the election doesn't give a supporter the right to attack what another man has accomplished.

Sure it does. I was hoping if you could go off topic a little bit now, maybe reminisce for us about the good ol’ days at sheriff sleep-away camp?

I can remember when deputies went to the Sheriff's Academy at (redacted) University. Unfortunately, this academy no longer exists. Since those times have passed, we all have been redirected to the Department of Criminal Justice Training Center at (redacted) University in (redacted). I also remember when there were about a dozen or more deputies to cover all of (redacted) County. We now have over 75 employees working hard for the citizens of our county every day of the week, 24 hours a day

Good times, good times. Do you think you need to keep going?

If I need to keep going, I will also mention that we have some of the best equipment to work with and if we need better then it is always given consideration.

That equipment doesn’t include commas, apparently. Do you have some closing advice?

My best advice to a disgruntled voter with a personal opinion is just keep it to yourself, unless someone asks for it.


By the way I have never read where the (newspaper redacted) was seeking input about Sheriff (redacted) or I would have written faster. This letter is submitted by an alumnus of (redacted) and a voter who chooses his best candidate.

Thank you for your time, sir. Please consider this an open invitation to write faster with your input next time.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Early contender for 2007 day of the year

It might be early into the dawn of 2007, but I’m calling it right now that the second day of the year might be my greatest.

If my office's tech support guy starts drinking, I'll happily foot the rehab bill, because everyone knows it'll be my fault. Two minutes after sitting down at my desk, I called him with a note of panic in my voice that someone had changed my computer password. ("Jeter", if you’d like to hack in).

The caps lock was on.

It wasn't even two weeks ago that I gave him a Christmas card thanking him for his patience last year. I'll be baking cookies this year.

Then I was sitting down with my customary p.m. coffee (Colombian Dark Magic “The sexiest coffee money can buy”) and spilled it all over my desk, keyboard, notes and stack of magazines to be submitted for awards. There is a God though, because my Onion headline-a-day calendar was spared. I had to switch keyboards because my main one was typing thusly:


Stay tuned tomorrow for "Gooooooal! 12 resolutions for 12 months"