Sunday, August 31, 2008

You can't win the human race unless someone else loses

I had a friend running a 10k last weekend called The Human Race.

First of all, this is the best name for a race ever. Second, The Human Race should be treated as a metaphor for life.

Via text:

Me: Go speed racer!
Him: It doesn’t start until 6 p.m., but thanks.
Me: Don’t let that stop you! You don’t wait for them to tell you when the human race starts. Life is won by those who make their own start times.
Him: You’re right. I might win if I start now.
Me: That’s the spirit!
Him: Cheating gets you ahead.
Me: That’s right. But just like life, somehow Donald Trump and a bunch of models are going to win.
Him: The finish line is gonna be pretty depressing if this is a metaphor.
Me: There are two finish lines: Victory and death.
Him: That’s a good tagline for a movie.
Me: Yes, for our upcoming rapper-turned-inner-city-teacher movie.
Him: Haha
Me: So much more inspiring than the sequel about an inter-city teacher who just has a bitch of a commute.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Long week wrap-up

• This was on my Facebook page today, more than a week after the Olympics wrapped up. The only people left in Beijing now are Michael Phelps - still trying to win medals and randomly consuming 12,000 calories a day of whatever he can get his hands on - and that sad little Chinese girl that the government said was too ugly to sing in the opening ceremony. Watch out little Chinese girl! Don't let Michael eat you!

• Hmmmm... I'd stick with the yellow you were so fond of.

• This is the real Timmy from Lassie. How is he not dead? This show was on in the 1880s! They're on like their 19th Lassie. Or maybe this is Timmy's great-great-grandson, like they do with Lassies? All I really remember from the show is the way he could dismount his bike while it was still in motion, a feat I tried to re-create in my backyard with disastrous consequences.

• Obama to Biden: I'd tap that.

Is this how he won you over, Joey?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Maybe Obama is Jesus and can make infants and the handicapped walk?

I got tired of being inspired and overwhelmed by Obama's amazingness last night so I switched briefly to Fox News so they could tell me how lame his historic speech really was.

Professional ridiculous person Megyn Kelly (with the ever-classy add-a-"y" spelling) was asked by Bill O’Rilley what “regular people” did all day while waiting for Obama. She said they were walking in, single file. (Presumably unlike Oprah et al who already move via solar power?)

And who are those people she cited that are walking in? That would be “the elderly, infants, people in wheelchairs.”

Think she met my wheelchair guy from Starbucks last week?

15 seconds, Fox. I watched you successfully for 15 seconds. Back to being inspired.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Who would have guessed a trained fighter would turn ... violent?

I guess I'm against violence. Except when it looks like this, because this is hilarious. No, I mean tragic. Nope, back to hilarious. Violence is all he knows! You can't fault him for that. It's like teaching a bear to shoot a gun and then he shoots you because you disqualify him from the Olympics. Can you blame the bear?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Hey guys! Where are we going? Mom?

Good news, Nebraskans disinclined to parent your teens!

I just learned that in Nebraska it's now legal to abandon a child as old as 19 with expanded safe haven law. I'm imagining tricking your 19-year-old into getting into the car (perhaps with the lure of ice cream?) and after a ride in the car - with him sticking his head out the window like a dog who doesn't know he's headed to the vet - plopping him on top of some Salvation Army clothes. He's sitting there, swinging his hairy legs, kicking his size 11 shoes, licking his ice cream, not a care in the world.

And oops! You forgot something in the car. Be right back, Tyler! .....screech....vrooom vroom!

Think he can find his way home? I'm just saying, if you can be tricked into being abandoned when you're old enough to vote, maybe you deserve to be abandoned.

We all just know it's because your new stepdad Bruce doesn't want you around, cramping his style.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I just want credit for the nickname Midas Phelps

Michael "Midas" Phelps is very inspiring for someone who's one third human, one third dolphin and one third some sort of gorilla.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

You with the leprosy? C'mere.

Ok, what? This man just came into Starbucks in a motorized wheelchair and then hopped out. Now he's walking around.

Am I Jesus? Did I cure him?

I'm adding it to my résumé.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I should probably get stretching or something

I have a bad case of Olympic fever.

I love the Olympics. Like Pee Wee’s Playhouse love them. I’d marry them if I could. I get weepy just thinking about all those athletes of different lands waving their flags and coming together in the spirit of unity and brotherhood and so forth. And the pomp! My God the pomp.

Unfortunately, I realize that with every passing Olympiad my dream of making the women’s gymnastics team is slipping away. Some might say that as girl a foot too tall and a decade too old, my Olympics dream set sail before I put on my leotard. Nay, I say to them. It just makes for a better Bob Costas-narrated vignette. I may not be able to uh, do the splits or a backflip (on purpose. I’m sure if I fell off something I could manage one before I hit the ground) but I have something more important than that. I have heart.

It probably says a bit about my dream that I spend more time thinking about kickass quotes for my vignette than I do sweating, but nevertheless.

Dramatically lit shot of me sitting on a balance beam, looking tough and determined in the chalky air.

Bob Costas: She wasn’t born to do this, they all said. She wasn’t born to Russian parents or sold into the sport at a young age. Yet her improbable quest for a medal has brought her halfway around the world. This is it. Her final shot.

Me: After I quit gymnastics at the age of 7 because I didn’t like having sore muscles, I never thought I’d be here today. But it’s my destiny.

Bob Costas: She’s not the most naturally gifted athlete out there, but you can tell by the look in her eyes that she wants it more than anyone. This has clearly been a dream of hers for almost a month now, since she realized the Olympics would be going on soon.

Me: I plan to win with cartwheels. I point my toes really, really well when I do them. Also handstands. I beat my cousin once so I can do them for like 6-8 seconds. In a row.

Bob Costas: She’s struggled on the international stage with her Yuchenko vault –

Me: My what now?

Bob Costas: - but she more than makes up for it with something more important: Heart.

And scene.

If that fails, I go on to Olympic plan B: Coaching swimming with my patented technique of yelling, “Go faster! Swim faster than that other swimmer!!!!!!”

Gold medal please.

Monday, August 11, 2008

I'll bet she found it!

Seriously, get well lil' swimmer, then have a sit-down with about why they're calling out your girl like that.