“Happy anniversary of the night you got punched, baby.” WITH UPDATE!

I hate nature. That’s just a fact. Add to that that I’m sort of scared of Central Park and I can successfully avoid trees for weeks at a time.

Partly because the only time I’d hear about Central Park was in conjuction with “tourist mugged” or “jogger raped,” I generally refuse to step inside the park after dark.

But last night the weather was nice, the sun was just setting and I could hear a concert going on, which means there’d be lots of people around, so I decided to stop being a paranoid wimp and cross the park.

Three minutes later I was talking to a 911 operator while a young couple from Spain mopped up their blood. Apparently the guy got punched in a robbery attempt and the youths ran off into the dark. The couple started running and met up with a jogger who also didn’t have a cell phone. The trio found me a few minutes later. And if you think three frantic people running at you – one dripping with blood – isn’t jarring, well then you are braver than me. P.S. You’re definitely braver than me.

After a few minutes of trying to stop the flow of blood, about eight cop cars appeared, which is an oddly powerful feeling. I summoned an assembled fleet with a single phone call! Feel my power. Basically, I’m the world’s biggest hero is what I’m trying to tell you.

Oh, and the young couple? They got engaged about 10 minutes before the assault. Please come and spend your Euros with us, people of Europe.

UPDATE: I had to give the cops my number when I called, and a detective just called me to say they caught the guys "because of (my) quick actions." Woot! Key to the city, please!

Can I get a "what what" Jazzy Jeff?

Moms. Am I right, people?

My own mother is impervious to teasing, either because it goes over her head or because she’s way, way more clever and calculating than I realized. I think we know the answer. She has a knack for responding to teasing with heartfelt sincerity. It's adorable and I love her for it.

Witness:

Me: I know I’m your favorite kid, Mom. It’s ok, you can go ahead and tell Kevin and Annie so they can adjust their lives accordingly. You have to start pitting us against each other for your love and affection like Dad does.

Her: I have always loved all my kids equally! You know that. One year at parent-teacher conferences…

And so forth. I recently realized this delightful peccadillo is not confined to my mother when I went to dinner with a friend and her mom. And this is what happened.

My friend: I have this student whose mom won’t let him participate in gym class since he scraped his knee. She wanted him to wear a helmet! Now she wants to meet with me because I gave her son a “meets expectations” instead of “exceeds expectations” on his report card.

Me: You should tell her that he’d have gotten an “exceeds expectations” if he hadn’t suffered all that brain damage from not wearing a helmet.

Her mom: OH NO! YOU CANNOT TELL THAT POOR WOMAN THAT!

Friend: Mooooom….we’re kidding.

Friend’s mom: She’ll be worried sick.

Friend: It’s a joke, mom.

Friend’s mom: You can just be very rational and tell her that while “exceeds expectations” is the ideal to shoot for, there’s nothing wrong with –

Friend (to waiter): Can we get some more bread? Thanks.



Then there was last week’s email exchange with Mum:

Hey, I remember this old story in The Onion and I thought it was funny EVEN THOUGH IT DOES NOT REMIND ME OF YOU.

Clear? OK, it's funny and I'm not teasing you, because you don't like to be teased.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38572


Response:

That was lol funny! I saw no similarity to you and me working out somethings on the computer when you were home, so I never would have thought you were putting me in the same class with that poor woman. God bless her daughter!

Love you
Me


Which is the total essence of the woman. The total love for me. The pitying a fictional daughter in The Onion. All the LOL funny.

I know, I hate having to go on vacation too. Boo hoo, America.

Top: Msnbc.com's graphic for some sort of story about people and/or the sun feeling sad about travel.

Bottom: Calvin prepares for school picture day.

Just Twitter already Soledad

When will you get past your labels for everyone, CNN? Is this racist or just non-news? Racist non-news? The headline below it was, "Blitzer eating ham in office."

Proposed rewrite: Is Soledad shopping because she's part black or because she's a woman? iReporters, send in your own shopping experiences! Let's talk!

Line of the weekend

I went to my friends' improv class graduation show, which was very thumbs up. But the funniest line of the weekend came from another friend when we were out to dinner:

I pulled out an admittedly tattered napkin to fend off my summer cold's snot.

Friend: What's going on there? Have you had that since childhood? Is that your Wubby?

Man bites doughnut

If you're wondering if there's a twist to story #4, no, there's not.


Hey! You're a newly thinner guy. I enjoy not counting anything, especially calories. Should I stick with my all-Fillet-o-Fish diet and this whole not-exercising thing that's going so well for me?


Uh-huh. I see. Well, I'm sort of feuding with math right now in protest of an old geometry grade. What else ya got? And please throw in a smug little quote at the end.


Well OK, that's your opinion. How about an expert. They still think we should eat more to lose weight, right? RIGHT?!?!?!


Oh man, this is changing everything I thought I knew about diets. I guess I'll just head out to train for a marathon, subsisting on only celery sticks until my heart murmur acts up. What's that, CNN legal department?

I fear for humanity. Vol. 1

Craig's List missed connections. How did I not know this was a thing?

Please accompany me on the most jaw-dropping look into the sweetness and utter depravity of guys. I have to say if this is the best idea they've come up with for meeting women, my generation will never reproduce. Instead of smiling or talking you that foxy lil' gal on the subway, you ignore her and then throw a tiny sentence out to the infinite universe of cyberspace. Stellar plan. Really top notch.

This is the first of so, so many looks into whatever the hell is going on here. (Click to enlarge)




Pluses: Attention-getting headline. Girl involved would probably remember the situation described.
Minuses: She was with someone, so she's probably not trolling for a missed connection.



Pluses: Good specifics on the location
Minuses: Not many girls would appreciate being called out on having unshaved legs, or want to talk to a guy who was into that.



Pluses: She's probably not got the highest standards. She can likely be yours for the right price without getting messy feelings involved.
Minuses: It's just business, baby. You're old.



Pluses: He knows it's crazy. She's his bitch. Calls Sharlene out by name.
Minuses: Does not make sense. Calls Sharlene out by name.

Not returning reporters' calls is really the only bad thing I can remember about Sen. Helms

Uhhhhhh, OK Google

I think Google has a God complex. They're so quick to jump in with suggestions about how to correctly spell tricky words like Cincinnati and embarrass but now they just can't stop themselves.

Glamour says: Just jump on him! Sneaky.

Hey Glamour can we chat for a sec? Thanks. I love you for hiring my favorite lady Mariane Pearl, and yet your bloggers should all be wearing Special Olympics helmets to write, lest they fall off their couches under the weight of their own ridiculousness.

And then there's this month's article featured in your Sex & Men section. (Sextion?)

When you use the word "sneaky" and "seductive" it conjures up images of a teasing flirtation tango. A Jim and Pam will-they-or-won't-they titillation. A giggling behind a fan that culminates in delicious eye contact.

Or you could be sneaky the Glamour way and just jump a bartender or announce out loud you'd like to have sex or you'll die.

What I learned about the girl sitting behind me at The Rocker

Last night I got to go see a screener of The Rocker starring Rainn Wilson as a drummer kicked out of his band who joins his nephew's high school group 20 years later. Yes, I know what you're thinking and he does drum naked in one extended scene.

Verdict: Solid, but no Sarah Marshall. Rainn Wilson is good, of course, but if the movie were made five years ago, you know they would have wanted Will Ferrell.

The rest of my faves (Will Arnett! Jason Sudeikis!) were way underused. I just looked on imdb and Will Arnett isn’t even on the cast list. Weird.

But even the best story couldn’t have held the attention of the girl behind me who continued to carry on a normal-voice-level conversation with her boyfriend.

As my English friend Will once said, “My God, it’s like listening to DVD commentary as you’re in the theater.” (Only, since he’s English, he probably said “theatre”.)

Here’s what the back third of the theater learned about the girl behind me:

• She’s hungry for a cheeseburger

• And fries

• Ooh! And a vanilla shake.

• She thinks the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is the Louvre, even with the sign saying “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame”

• She sleeps on an air mattress

• She knows all the words to the song

• And she’ll sing them

• She’s not sure what a marionette is

• She recognizes that actor

• She likes to pretend to talk like a trucker when she sees one onscreen

• She just learned the symptoms of gonorrhea

• She likes how that girl’s hair looks

• Something about that shirt/tie combo is bugging her

• Thinks when people sleep with their eyes open “that shit crazy”

• Wasn’t quite sure what the actor who spelled “t-a-i-l” spelled

• “I seen Gigi fall like that drunk before”

CNN does not rock

There are at least 11 things wrong with this.

Please leave and take the two Coreys with you

A vignette from last week

Me: Did you know it’s Canada Day? That’s so cute. You get a whole little day for yourselves.

Canadian friend: It sucks. Black people get a whole month.

Me: You’re too polite to take a day in February.

CF: Once you go black you never go back.

Me: Once you go Canadian, you never go gay again?

CF: Ever hear people sometimes call black people “Canadians” as code?

Me: You know, I tend to get along well with black people and I hate and stereotype
Canadians.

CF: Really?

Me:. I realized not long ago I hate everyone I know from Canada.

CF: You’re so racist.

Me: Canadians aren’t a race. They’re just the generic store brand to America’s Coca Cola and Oscar Meyer.

CF: Nice.

Me: I’ll put a boot in their ass. It’s the American way. Or, as the Canadians would say, “I’ll tap you with my loafer, if that’s not too bothersome, eh?”

But what will become of the sad housewives?

Quite a while ago - before I got my current job with my Daytime Baby - I interviewed at a magazine directed at sad housewives. It’s that type of magazine that prints 50 diet tips on one page, then molten chocolate brownie recipes on the next page. They cancel each other out! I did not shout in the interview. Can’t we just print blank pages and call it a day?

Despite me not pointing that out, they still didn’t hire me. I was bummed at the time, even though it was a job I knew I’d hate. It was like a really ugly guy asking out your friend. Part of you is like, “Phew, dodged that bullet” but you’re also like “Wait, why didn’t he like me?”

Anyway, I quickly bounced back from not having to cheer up America’s sad housewives and hadn’t thought about them since. But I found out they shut down yesterday.

A pondering

Is there a more existential way to spend your Saturday than at The Container Store shopping for empty boxes?