Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Oh I'm sorry, are we boring you, Joe Biden?

Let's review. What did we learn during the Address to the Nation or whatever the non-State of the Union was called. (Change!)

Now we know that ol' hairplugs-and-Chicklet-chompers Joe is wont to nod off when Obama isn't instructing people to clap for him directly. And we learned that Nancy Pelosi is an applause slut who'll apparently just hop to her feet gleefully for anything Obama says.

But the big star of last night came after Obama's part.

America, meet Bobby Jindal, your twing-twanging Bollywood Cajun. He's just a good ol' Southern boy who loves gator wrasslin', boot scootin', and not protecting us from volcanoes. (The fuck?)

(I have a friend who - as a kid - was playing in a friend's yard and the friend's mom yelled out the door, "Get in here! We're havin' meatpies!" Without missing a beat, another friend turned to the kid and goes, "Someone has a new nickname." And the kid answered to Meatpie ever since. I'm calling Bobby Jindal "Meatpie" from now on.)

Don't worry, rednecks, he's not a foreigner, he's just tan from all that good American sunshine. Vitamin D, yo! And if you say it with his Southern accent "Jindal" now sounds like the hickest name ever. (Try it out: "Bobby Jindal! Get yer butt in here! We're havin' meatpies!")

When was the last time the nation rose up as one to think the same thought at the same time? Probably when we all decided we all disliked Bin Laden, right? How do we explain the national consensus that Meatpie Jindal is Kenneth the page from 30 Rock?

And never has Chris Matthews' potato head summed up the feeling of a nation when his open mic caught him muttering "Oh God" as Jindal strode out for his response.

Is it his wide-eyed wonder about the world? The slow enunciation that made us all feel like he was teaching us how to make turkey pictures out of our handprints? Who's to say. All I know is I went to make the comment on a blog and found 50 people had beaten me to it.

Here's a quick roundup of the best (non-Kenneth) reactions I found:

* If I closed my eyes, I would swear Smokey the Bear is giving this response

* Bedtime stories with Bobby

* All I can think of when I see his face is "I'm Casey Kasem counting down the Top 40 songs in the USA, and now, our long distance dedication. It comes from Suzie and she writes, "Dear Casey, could you please play 'Somewhere Out There'?"

* It's like watching a Gomer Pyle cameo in Slumdog Millionaire

* He must not have received his 'extras' check from Slumdog Millionaire yet

* By the way, that is how people talk to 9-year-olds when they aren't used to talking to 9-year-olds. It drives 9-year-olds crazy.

* Also, I'm pretty sure Bobby Jindal is a Muppet.

Jindal/Palin 2012!

Monday, February 09, 2009

Great moments in old people

They shuffle slowly among us, making us late, tripping us with their walkers and guilting us into giving up subway seats, but what do we really know about old people?

I don't know much because I prefer to stay out of earshot of the death rattle. (Note to future grandkids: Come visit! Why don't you stay awhile! Nana'll bake you cookies!)

I've started to rethink my avoidance of The Olds after my dad told me last week that he was doing a story about seniors in a nursing home being introduced to Wii games like bowling to help keep them active. The workers wrote "WII" in 72-point font and all the old people came down to hear the lecture about World War II.

Most adorable story ever (where the punchline was WWII).

I thought it couldn't be topped, but the old man and woman on my bus this morning may have won the championship belt.

The woman started off strong, asking if the greyhound saw his shadow last week.

The old man countered with his excitement about the merits of TD Bank. "It's got the penny machine! It's got Regis Philbin!"
To which the old woman replied: "You know you can deposit all change, not just pennies?"
Old man: "I did not know that."

But then the woman won the day with her movie analysis:

Old man: Have you seen the new Batman?
Old woman: No, I've only seen the very first episode (Ed note: First movie in the series?)
OM: Ah, yes, was it one with Val Kilmer?
OW: No, it was, ahhhh...
OM: George Clooney?
OW: No, no, no.
OM: Do you remember the gentleman's name who played Batman?
OW: Bruce Wayne

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Also, reporter? Thanks for clarifying that MySpace is "on the Internet"

Ok, this obit is very, very tragic until you get to the last line.

The people gathered at Johnson's mother's house Friday declined immediate comment about her death.On her MySpace page on the Internet, Johnson says that she is a "determined young women (sic) who is always struggling to survive. I believe in success and It should be everyones number one priority."

She listed as her occupation a disparaging phrase about police.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

All aboard for the magic umbrella hour!

I've wanted one of those cool clear umbrellas for quite some time now, until I saw this broad in the Totes ad looking like she hosted an English kids' show in the '80 and I rethought my decision. That clears that up. Get it, get it, DOYOUGETIT?!?!?