Next time on "As the Tenessee turns"

Blogging from the homefront continues...

I spent the first week of my vacation with my sister, Marianne, in Tennessee, where I can’t be awed enough by the amount of space she has for just her husband, her and their two comically oversized cats: three bedrooms, three bathrooms, a freakin’ bonus room. Are you kidding me? Bitch, your whole house is a bonus room. Basically, she’s living the life known as How The Rest of The Country Lives.

But in her otherwise lovely Wisteria Lane-like neighborhood, I’ve named the house across the street Dysfunction Junction. Why? Stellar question. It all started when the (toothless) mother and (probably un-toothed) 16-year-old son got in a fight. In fact, I’ve been on the phone with Annie a few times when she’d be stealthily watching the police arrive as the shirtless teen punched walls and stuff outside the house.

Tme most recent adventure was the son was kicked out so he hatched a plan to buy a used car and live in the driveway. So far so good, right? But then the mom put her teeth in, went to the car dealership and bought the car out from under him.

Stay tuned tomorrow when I get a haircut at Wal-Mart. Really.

P.S. I love you mom! Don't be mad!

I've been home for two weeks now, reverting to a younger Kate, in my old bedroom, not driving, rolling my eyes at my parents. My mom lives for her kids. She doesn't yell or raise her voice or share unkind opinions. (No, I'm not sure I'm her real daughter either.) Unfortunately, she says things that only 80% make sense.

Example:
Me: Mom? Can I finish the broccoli?
Mom: It's all about you!

I've held off blogging about it as long as I could, but dammit I've reached my limit. This whole exchange started innocently enough. I mentioned I was one of the few people who had blogs whose parents knew about it.

Me: Wouldn't it be weird if I came home and told you I'd had a blog for three years and you didn't know it?
Mom: I still think it'll happen for you someday.
Me: What????? You already know about my blog.
Mom: I think it'll happen for you someday. You'll be on the Today Show.
Me: (More concerned) WHAT?!?! No, I mean if I told you, "I have a blog" and you didn't know about it.
Mom: Oh. I still think you'll be on the Today Show someday.
Me: Of course, but not for my blog.

I have like a half a cold, which basically means I’m living my life but staying away from the gym. Too sick for that!

But it also means that two or three times a day, I think I’m going to choke to death on a clot of my own mucus that’s gotten stuck.

My thoughts for the day...

Wake up.

Not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, CHOKING I’M GONNA DIE OH MY GOD IT’S STUCK, IT’S NOT GOING DOWN I CAN’T HACK IT UP!!!!!!!! not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, OH GOD HERE WE GO AGAIN. I ALWAYS KINDA FIGURED I'D DIE DRINKING COFFEE, I REGRET NOTHING, EXCEPT THE STUPID MANNER IN WHICH I’M DYING!!!!!!!!!!! not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, not choking, WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT KATE!!!!!!!! not choking, not choking.

Sleep.