Thursday, April 14, 2011
How to Throw an Adult Easter Egg Hunt with eHow
Of course, you were searching for “How to Throw an Adult” and landed on this page. Then you got curious and your mind wandered to exactly what happens at an adult egg hunt. (Also, if someone ever combined the eHow of porn and the eHow of conception, Adult Egg Hunt should also be the title.) You’re a liberated, Cosmo-reading woman of the ’90s, so kick up your heels, have a drink, head to the nearest adult book shop and talk your friends into abandoning their kids. Because it’s Easter!
Don’t we all miss the Easter egg hunt? The starting line, colorful woven basket in hand, heart racing, eyeballs trying to catch a glimpse of color hidden in the landscape before us. You might be surprised to find how many of us “grown-ups” get a kick out of the traditional hunt, but leave the kiddies at home folks! This party is for the mature crowd.
Slow down there, Hemingway! Between all the heart racing and eyeball strain, you’re won’t have proper time to reflect on the childhood starting lines of yore.
Before starting in the “grown up” (read: Pornographic?) egg hunting fun, you’re obviously going to need to abandon your children. Leave them at home. Or church. Whatever, I’m not their mom. Get one of those cats that can dial 911, hurl some jellybeans in their general direction and – when their Easter bonnets obscure their peripheral vision – make a run for it with the kids’ Easter baskets.
All God’s children need to get their drank on, so eHow tells you to start with a well-stocked bar. Because if anything could add to the dignity of adults running around with baskets, drinking will do it. (Note: Public drunkenness will be added to your child abandonment police charges at the end of the day.)
Easter snacks – Uh, DOI
Dozens of plastic Easter eggs – Sexy ones, preferably
A golden egg – Consult the adult bookstore
Candy and grown up goodies to stuff the eggs with – Wink!
One large prize for the person who finds the golden egg, at the very least – Just hand out porn.
1. Set the date and send out your invitations at least a week in advance, 2-3 weeks would be better. Invitations should include the party’s date, time, your address, directions to your house or place of the party, your phone number, and a clear statement saying “leave the kiddies at home folks, this one’s for the 21 and over crowd.” You could print up a nice little invitation and fold it up to fit inside a plastic Easter egg, these should be hand delivered. Follow up with an online Evite, nice because you can set up map-quest online so guests can have another set of directions, plus Evite is set up to keep a running tally of who’s coming to the party and who’s not.
Now, I’m not one to quibble (LIE! I am one to quibble!) but is reminding people to add the time and address of the party necessary? Did the last Evite you get say:
Date and Time: THE COOL KIDS ALREADY KNOW!
Address: 418 YOUR MOM’S ASS BOULEVARD
Phone number: HOW COME I’M NOT IN YOUR PHONE, FARTBREATH?
Good move reminding people that they can’t email an actual plastic egg. And even better getting it in writing that your drunk friends should abandon their children. You’re now known in legal terms as “an accomplice.”
2. Load your plastic eggs with all kinds of funky, sexy, sweet, and grown-up treats. We all love Easter candy and the individually wrapped ones are very convenient. Think about your days as a kid, hunting for eggs. What did you like? Parachute men, mood rings, bubbles, finger puppets, yo-yo’s… a few of these things added to your loot are fun for us big kids and they’re good and cheep. Don’t forget the grown-up things; you can be as risqué as you’re comfortable with. Condoms in all kinds of varieties, the little sample sized lubricants and flavored gels, visit your local adult super store for some Easter egg sized ideas.
We’re going to pretend the loot being “cheep” is a pun and leave it at that. Concentrate on all the funky, sexy things. Now think about the toys you loved as a child. The circles do not overlap on that Venn diagram. Mull that over on your way to the local Porn Emporium (The Pornporium, off Route 9).
I’m pretty sure when Jesus was hanging on the cross, his thought was, “The pain and suffering will all be worth it in about 2,000 years when Rachel hosts her totally kick-ass Easter party with lube-filled plastic eggs. What’s lube? What’s plastic?” And then he died.
3. Decide on how many large prizes you would like to have. 1 big prize for the golden egg (my mom used to take the biggest sized plastic eggs she could find and decorate them by hot gluing on lace and fabric trim). 1 big prize for the most eggs collected. 1 consolation prize for the least eggs collected. Depending on your budget, you can do as many prize eggs as you wish. The prizes can be as simple as a big chocolate bunny (who don’t like big chocolate Easter bunnies?) To a lavishly stuffed Easter basket adding some adult store goodies with your Chocolate bunny.
The problem with calling something adult-themed is that everything that follows sounds dirty. But seriously: Golden egg, lace trim, big chocolate bunny? (And I quote “who don’t like big chocolate Easter bunnies?” Who don’t? Nobody don’t.)
Whatevs, get out your glue gun and go to town on your porn eggs, like the author’s mom used to. Don’t forget to make Kristen feel extra special for not finding many lube-eggs or next thing you know she’ll be weeping into her Easter-tini and it’ll be your 38th birthday fiasco all over again.
4. Hide your eggs. Since your crowd is a little more sophisticated then your average 3-year old, go ahead and hide those eggs in some complicated places. High in the trees, barely sticking out of perennials, behind the flower pots…
This is exactly where I would hide them for an average 3-year-old. Look alive, Kristen! On the left! No, your left. Put down our cat please. No, you can’t re-name him Mr. Meowerserton. Please stop crying.
5. Easter cocktails anyone? Set up a self-serve bar and print up a few drink recipes (an “Easter Egg” is 1 ounce blue Curacao, 1 ounce white cream de cocoa, topped with half and half served over ice – see what you can find on the internet). Add a few snacks around the bar and the place is set for the party. All you have to do is get your own self primped and ready.
Easter Egg cocktails anyone? Easter Egg cocktails everyone! Before you go have your guests half-heartedly traipsing around your house and yard, pretending they can’t see the eggs you’ve thrown into trees, you’re going to want to get them so liquored up they think they’re seeing two eggs in that tree. And before exerting themselves in the April heat, definitely pump their stomachs full of alcohol and two types of dairy products. It’ll look prettier barfed back up mixed with all the chocolate bunnies and edible panties you’re force-feeding them.
Cats can’t drink, Kristen! Go put that in the sink.
6. The actual hunt, if your guests didn’t bring Easter baskets from home, a simple plastic grocery bag will collect plenty. Even better, buy a bunch of reusable grocery bags and give them away for favors and impromptu Easter baskets for the hunt. Get your guests together and set a 20-minute time limit and release them to hunt for the Easter eggs (you’ll be laughing so hard, you won’t believe how your friends turn into such kids again). After the 20 minutes is up, gather everyone around and do an egg count. Award your big prizes and kick back and enjoy the rest of the day.
EHow, Y U first sentence in that paragraph no have grammar? While our host gasps for air and tries to articulate her thoughts better, let’s move on. Keeping the plastic bags away from Kristen’s airways and her dramatic flairs, give all your other friends souvenir grocery bags. These are the best party favors ever and you are the best hostess. You are being so green right now!
Do the mental calculations to figure how many dozens of condom eggs you’ll need to have coyly peeking out of flowerbeds to take your friends 20 full minutes to find them. Because your friends are really immature such kids again – drunk kids running around your backyard with sex toys – don’t forget to account for laughter time! Oh, there will be laughter. But somehow, it will always be preceded by mumbling you can’t quite hear. Never you mind. Just keep handing out dildos and drinks, and steering Kristen away from open flames.
After your friends have drunkenly piled in their cars, shuffling off with awkward thanks for the porn (“Get it? Playboy bunnies, like Easter bunnies? And the Rabbit vibrator? GET IT???”), after the child-endangerment police reports have all been filed and after the court dates have been set, your Easter hunt will begin: Finding the piles of vomit your friends have left behind.