St. Patrick’s Day is the perfect day to commit a crime. The parade is literally two solid hours of marching (drunk), smiling (drunk), tuba-playing (drunk) Irish policemen. “Who’s guarding the city?” I ask every year.
If you thought the above paragraph was even faintly amusing – or even recognized it as a joke – you’re one step ahead of my date last Thursday night, who just sipped his beer dully and responded, “I think the police force is more diverse than you realize.”
And I did not throw a drink in his face for being stupid. Just like St. Patrick would have wanted.
After that false start to festivities, the holiday came early this year in the form of a Saturday night pub crawl in lower Manhattan.
At one point in the evening, some friends and I were waiting outside for a friend to tap out when we realized that on either side of us, magic was happening. A fight. And a girl puking.
Without a word, everyone’s cameras instantly came out. The guy in the group with a podcast brought out his Flip camera and started a video introduction while ducking behind a car like he was a reporter in Baghdad.
Here’s my winning St. Patrick’s Day scavenger hunt checklist. One point for each stereotype that I actually spotted:
Green beer
Guy drinking Heineken because of the green bottle, even though it’s Dutch
Girl physically supported by her boyfriend while she pukes the green beer
Guy who’s officially part of your pub crawl group who disappears after the first bar
A street brawl where the guys are named Mikey and Dan, but they just call each other “bro” repeatedly before coming to blows
A freckled girl with eyebrows plucked too thin who earnestly tries to separate them
The guy wearing a green sport coat like he won the Masters who eventually takes over the refereeing
Even though we’re in Lower Manhattan, they have wicked heavy Boston accents
U2 cover band called – of course – 2U, which the poster billed as “the second-best U2 cover band on the East Coast.”
“The Edge” calling out for a shot of Jameson from on stage, along with a tall glass of water
“The Edge” reminding everyone the importance of staying hydrated
Someone who takes it upon himself to wear an old-fashioned Irish hat
Guy in kilt
Random girl crying (x2)
Two dazed girls plopped down on the curb
Dude in an “Erin go braless” T-shirt
A (lost?) Asian wandering around
Someone who feels the need to enlighten everyone that this is “nothing like the real Ireland”
Irish roommate who has one of her five siblings fly over from Dublin only to get in a 3 a.m. fight with her
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4 comments:
I always hate when people respond sincerely to what should have been obvious hyperbole or absurdity.
Word up on that one. It's like going up for a high five and getting ignored.
Damn. I really wish I had been there. I love when stereotypes come true!
Why isn't there a day of the year when it is legally required that you act as stereotypically as possible.
I'm English, it would be hilarious.
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