A leak Judith Miller would go to jail for

I'm actually under house arrest for the moment, awaiting the sure-to-be photo-finish between the bed delivery guys and the mattress delivery guys. The reign of the air mattress is officially coming to a close, which is great because it all but abdicated its throne two weeks ago, acquiring a leak so big Times reporters would go to jail to protect it. So I've felt very much like a starving artist in the big city, without the art.

I was flipping around, partly watching BET last night (no apologies. I keeps it real.) and at a certain point their programming changes from the most vile uncut videos to gospel hour. There's no sort of segueway (although how could there be, really? "That was good work with the pole Laquanna, now we're going to pray for your soul.") In honor of that, here are some random segueway-free stories that don't really merit their own entries:

* I lied, they aren't totally segueway-free. Most days on my way to work I see a guy about my age riding a Segway Human Douchebag Scooter. He looks normal enough in his NYU cap. He doesn't look handicapped or like a massive muscle-atrophied nerd, which are he only two reasons to own one. I tried to find out how much one of those suckers would set you back, but the Segway has further offended my sensibilities by listing the prices part by part (motor, handles etc.) and I'll be damned if I'm doing math voluntarily. I did learn that it can get up to 12.5 miles per hour.

* Speaking of transportation (crap. I'm still transitioning. It's too ingrained) I was almost run over by a guy on a unicycle the other day. The baby I babysit for and I were waiting for the light to turn and this muchacho on a unicycle comes dangerously close to us, trying to zip between the stroller and the lightpost. I wanted to smack him for many reasons, but topping the list was the look of "Hum dee dum, I'm just a guy going to work. What are you guys all looking at? You need to open your mind a little more. I can't help it that I'm more evolved than the rest of you."

* Second only to The Unicycler was the man who plowed into me coming around the corner. This happens many times a day and it's generally unavoidable. However, I can't help but thinking that he could have taken a step around me if he hadn't been SHAVING WITH AN ELECTRIC NORELCO on his way to work. It's times like this that I give up asking questions and just start looking for the hidden camera.

* I had Mentos for the first time in years the other day. Why Mentos? Why not just go completely obscure and get a Symphony bar or something else that nobody ever eats? I'll tell you. I got some White Out on my black shirt and it wouldn't come off. So - a ha - I got a Sharpie and colored over the spot. I felt pretty clever; I felt fresh and full of life. That set off a minty craving and a citywide search (limited to 22-26th streets). The freshmaker indeed!