What the hell is a Jonas Brother? Like, they’re really brothers? As in they just looked around the living room one day and whoever was within arm reach got incorporated into the group? Unacceptable. You want to be in a proper boy band, you get your asses down to Orlando. Back in my day, you got cast in a group with four of your new best buds and you rehearsed until you could all dance in place in place in perfect union. (Except Hanson. Nevermind. Shut up.)
I saw the girls weeping on Oprah for you, but the fact that you have a single called “Dear God” tells me you’re in on the joke.
And there are two with curly hair? Merciful Lord of the Flatiron. Did you learn nothing from Timberlake? You shave those fusilli spirals until you’re a freshly shorn lamb. And no frosted tips? For shame! Get the peroxide, Jonas. How are the girls going to know who The Cute One is?
Speaking of the roles, there are only three of you. That does not work. Everyone knows there’s The Older Brother One (uh, I’m looking your way, literal older brother. You nailed it.) The Cute One, The Shy One, The Rebelious One and The Fat One (oops, sorry, that’s The Fatone). (Come on, you know you loved 2Ge+her .)
What do you have? A tambourine player named Joe Jonas. Joe Jonas! You know him from such musical moments as tripping at the American Music Awards and needed backstages stiches.
There’s also this sad little tidbit on Wikipedia: “Kevin, Joe, and Nick also have a younger brother, Franklin "Frankie" Nathaniel Jonas, also known as the "Bonus Jonas" and "Frank the Tank". He one day hopes to play drums for the band.”
If only he had some sort of in. Did your brothers leave on tour with Hannah Montana and not forward their contact information?
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