It’s time to kino escalate that shiznit, yo!

It’s September, which means I get to officially start thinking about Halloween. (More accurately, I can go public with the thinking about Halloween that’s been going on since July.)

Journey back with me to last year and you’ll recall I was Maternalina Jolie: Wax lips, head-to-toe black and – most importantly – dollar-store dolls with masks of her kids duct taped around my waist.

This year, I’ve got a couple of ideas knocking around.

1. The first, my favorite, requires two guys. I really want a set of people to go as Dateline To Catch a Predator’s Chris Hanson, a pedophile and a 15-year-old girl. I’m having a surprisingly hard time into talking any of my guy friends to go as a sexual predator, so this on is up for grabs.

2. That English rapper Lady Sovereign, because I rock a mad mean sidetail, yo.

3. In the same vein, I want to be Any Winehouse. I’ve got the brown wig and plenty of newspapers to make it a beehive. Eyeliner and fake blood are pretty much the only other ingredients. The only drawback is that because I don’t do any appetite-suppressing coke, I’d have to go as Fat Amy Winehouse.

4. My latest obsession though is going as Mystery from VH1’s The Pickup Artist. I’ve been glued all season, and near as I can figure out, it’s about the offspring of lead singer of Jamiroquai and Seth Green’s character from Can’t Hardly Wait who’s taken a heard of D&D playing basement-dwellers under his wing. He also sometimes wears a lipstick kiss tattoo. That is the new hotness!

It’s with the principle of “know thy enemy” that I was bombarded with terms like “neg,” (making fun of a woman to get her interested, ie when Brady said to the stripper he was trying to pick up, “Too bad there aren’t any cute girls working here tonight”), “higher value,” (which is basically a take back on what you just said. You can add “just kidding” and she’s a bitch if she can’t laugh with you) and of course “kino escalate” (which is apparently what us women-folk do when we’re touching our hair or something.)

Mystery hooked me early in the season (see how well his plan works?!?!) when they made over a geek who said the ladies thought he was gay and they remedied that by piercing his ears and painting his nails. They also play that song “Boston” with the line “No one knows my name” when a dude gets kicked off. Yes, it is awesome.