This man might not exist, and other things I learned today

Hey Fordham, remember when I was too poor to get into you? Here’s who you let in instead. It’s my archenemy across from me at Starbucks: All-The-Trends Girl. She’s got bug sunglasses, layered necklaces and head-to-toe 80s garb. She also says everything in not only upspeak, but in an elongated final sound, as though her own jaw is too bored with what she's saying to bother to close.

They’ve been jabbing for 20 minutes about something for their history class, and their assignment is either to list pop culture things that America exports or to list things that happened last century. Their thoughts are so muddled I honestly can’t tell which.

Here’s the liveblogging:

Girl 1 (in a Fordham sweatshirt): My mom asked me if Stephen Colbert is made up or real (presumably she means if he’s adopted a conservative persona, as opposed to a hallucination) and I’m like, “There’s no way, I mean the way he says stuff I can tell he knows what he’s saying is complete bullshit.” (She says this with the smugness that the people who cracked the Rosetta Stone must’ve felt.)

ATT Girl will take over the conversation from here. Please enjoy the highlights:

* I can always tell when Chanel sunglasses are fake, I mean I just have a talent for it. (She, without a pause, then went on to recount a South Park episode and told the group about how Oprah “totally shit” on James Frey.)

* What about that movie with Dirk Diggler? You know the one? I feel like that really encompasses the ‘80s.

* Bottled water is like a danger to our environment. No, it’s not just the environment, it’s like human rights.

* If it’s like an actual spring, couldn’t you like drink out of it? It’s underground? Oh.

(Me: Please slow down. I can’t type fast enough to keep up with your bon mots.)

* What else was big in the '80s? Reagan! Everyone hated him. Wait (giggle) That’s Nixon.

* I think I’m an English major.

* There’s a KFC in China. No! There’s more than one. (Then she recounts the urban legend that it’s not really chicken. As fact.) I’m openly staring at her at this point.

* I like snails, I think they’re cute. I don’t like slugs though. I don’t think they count as animals.

* Some come out unfertilized; hence, eggs. They play music to make them lay eggs faster. Like an aphrodisiac.

* I think we should list Hitler and Nixon as bad.

* What about that movie where the guy ate only McDonald’s for a month and almost died? I like Wendy’s; that’s the big Staten Island thing.

* I really want to get an iphone. I say I’m going to get one every weekend and I never do. (Note: iphone has been out for like 8 weekends.)

* China is like nuts, they’re going to take over like everything soon. There was a girl who just pressed elevator buttons and told you to have a nice day. That was like her job.

* Has anyone seen “Across the Universe” yet? Is it visually amazing? I want to see it on pot brownies. Hang on I gotta text my friend, Gary. Do you wanna go smoke?



At this point I black out from rage.