Hoagie of rage

There are those things we all agree are horrible: ethnic cleansing, puppies being kicked, Two-and-a-Half Men. Then there are those things that are only truly appreciated in all their horrific glory by the person it happens to. Yes, your friends will be empathetic when you tell them about someone shoving you out of the way on the subway, or about a dirty look from your coworker, but they'll never feel that rush of rage you get when you relive the story for their benefit. So yes, I understand you may never feel the wrath inside me, but I must share.

In this vein I present to you my work fridge. It's a solid 75% milk containers, as apparently there might be a Y2K7 we need to prepare for. Or a huge, thirsty, dairy-craving mob descending on the second floor.

In the name of not buying a $9 sandwich everyday, I bring in my humble spread of hoagie rolls, tofu "meat", cheese and mustard. I've learned to tune out the coos of "Oh what a cute idea" and "A little picnic!" from people wandering in the breakroom.

I stuff the remainders in the grocery bag and wad it on the bottom shelf. It's gone on like this for weeks. I don't bother them and they don't bother me. Until last week.

I put off lunch as long as possible so the afternoon seems shorter. So around 1:30 I go to assemble said sandwich and discover there has been a pillaging. Someone has helped himself to an entire packet of "meat" and a hoagie roll, and he ripped the bag open so the rest of the pack went stale.

Oh hells no.

I couldn't have felt more violated if I had been slipped a roofie in a frat house. I stomped off to my desk and composed my thoughts, then taped the following on the fridge:

"Dear Sir who took my lunch:

I just wanted to commend you for fitting and entire pack of my sandwich meat on a single roll. Kudos. I don't know how you did it, but that's not for me to understand.

I'm doubly excited that you ripped open the bag of bread, without regard to the twist-tie a mere inch away, thereby ruining the rest of the bread. I understand. When there's a free sandwich on the line, there's no time to lose with formalities.

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed my mustard sandwich."

Remember Wigurski? I think after I refused to clean out the fridge, he's taking matters into his own hands, one sandwich at a time.