Happy quarter year!

It’s the end of March, which I thought would be the perfect time to update everyone on my new year’s resolutions. Those who were with me to ring in the new year heard my bold proclamation: I wouldn’t be setting just one resolution. Ho no. Any joker off the street can swear they’ll start taking their Centrum Silver every day. I was going for the decathlon of resoluteness. (Editor’s note: Kate, decathlon is 10. It says so right in the name. Read a book or something.) Dodecagon of resoluteness! (Editor’s note: Closer)

At one point I had them all written out, but then I realized that if I accomplished something every month, I could just say that was my resolution.

Nevertheless, here’s my original list, with updates:

JANUARY

Goal: To get a manicure.

Accomplished: Yes!

Story: I’d never had a manicure before, not even for prom. What can I say? I’m pure of heart and steady of hand enough to paint my own nails. Also, I’m not a lady of leisure, and the whole thing struck me as sort of imperial, sitting there while some (let’s face it) Korean woman tended to me.

Off to the salon! Hibernating Bear and I went after work one day where I paid $10 for a half hour of hand massaging, filing, undercoating, polishing, top-coating and shoulder massage while under the hand dryer. Also, she buttoned my coat for me when we left.

The nice Korean manicurist also told us she’d failed her driver’s test three times. Look kids, it’s a stereotype come to life! Take my picture with her.

Verdict: I am impatient because I kept trying to hop up because I thought I was done. Also I am clumsy because I managed to get wet nail polish in my friend’s hair.

FEBRUARY

Goal: To finish my I’m-a-giant-New-York-cliché screenplay.

Accomplished: Yes!

Story: Originally started in 2002, and lost when it was 70% complete, the screenplay made a triumphant return, bigger and badder than ever. It was erased during a tragic memory-update attempt by an ex boyfriend, but I knew it was in good hands when the monitor went black and he told me, “Pack it in your suitcase and bring it home when you come for Christmas. Me and (friend) will get some beers, crack it open with a screwdriver and have it fixed in an hour.” (Sidenote: It was not a laptop, it was a 900 lb. Mac)

So I immediately knew it was gone forever, and got so mad every time I thought about it that I didn’t do anything with it for a few years. I started it up again around Thanksgiving, and typed the final “fade out” around the middle of February.

Verdict: Depending on who’s reading it, I should either be writing my Oscar speech now or not quitting my day job.

MARCH

Goal: Moving

Accomplished: Yes!

Story: I realized that while I technically clung onto Manhattan by my fingertips (What are those bight lights outside my window? That’s the Bronx.) it was time to live in the city where my commute home didn’t involve Harlem. Also, after two years it was wearing thin to keep saying “North of there” when people asked if my neighborhood was near xyz. I also heard “The streets go up that high?!?!” a lot.

Verdict: Successful transition all around. Except for the 86th Street subway stop in the morning. Someone please tell me what is up with that post-apocalyptic clusterfuck. It’s six people deep on the platform, throwing elbows to strong-arm their way on to an already-packed train. There is an honest-to-Thor a police presence.


And looking ahead:

APRIL
Goal: Get a haircut.
Reason: It’s been a while.

MAY
Goal: Finish “Salt.” (The history of salt.)
Reason: I’ve started it thrice, and I’m really enjoying it, but I keep re-reading passages because I feel like I need to be cramming for a test. It’s chockablock full of facts, and I just need to accept I can’t take them all in.

JUNE
Goal: Skateboard.
Reason: Never have, always wanted to. Want to be able to sing “Sk8er Boi” with some authority. (Boy, spellcheck does not like that song.)

JULY
Goal: Get tan.
Reason: I’m currently so pale you can see my internal organs. I’d like to blend in with the other summertime people and not make kids cry.


AUGUST
Goal: Make something out of clay.
Reason: Clay is delightful, and I haven’t been artistic in a while. One can never have too many ashtrays.


SEPTEMBER
Goal: Have a birthday.
Reason: Outlook is good on this one.

OCTOBER
Goal: Play a dead body on “Law & Order”
Reason: The reruns are shown in perpetuity! Someday my grandkids will duck home from work to grab a tuna sandwich for lunch, and boom, there’s grandma, scaring an innocent jogger/arguing couple.

NOVEMBER
Goal: Learn some Italian.
Reason: I’m curious in nature, and I think learning Italian will help when I eventually go to Italy. Also at the Olive Garden.


DECEMBER
Goal: Have insurance
Reason: I’m clumsy (see January) and I love medical tests.