Foods that can go to hell

In the magazine world, we like to combine two words to make completely new ones, like charticles (chart + article), magalog (magazine + catalog) and listicles (delicious with sprinkles).

Listicles appeal to both your ever-shortening attention span and journalists seeing how little work they can get away with. It's win-win. So you not only get People's 50 most beautiful, but also Marie Claire's "117 hot fall looks" and, for the hot-pink-wearing sorority slut in you, Cosmo's "40 ways to light his thighs on fire!!!" (and other headlines that have to be covered up at Wal-Mart.)

Listicles have also become the bulk of VH1's non-Flavor-Flav-related programming. 50 hottest bodies, 100 richest useless people, 25 ways to become a snarky talking head. (None of those are apparently "Be funny." Seriously VH1, holla at your girl. I promise I'll be funnier than the nasally hooker with that star necklace).

Because I'm nothing if not trendy, here's my listicle for the day.

Foods that can go to hell:

1. White chocolate. I hate you, imposter. You're unfit to carry the name chocolate.
2. Jelly Beans. Nobody is happy to see you in an Easter basket. You take up prime Cadbury Egg real estate. You ruin Easter.
3. Licorice. Satan's snack food.
4. Tea. Know what I could really go for right now? Some scalding water that's had a bag of herbs dipped in it.
5. Bananas. Too bananay.
6. Diet Coke with Lemon. I'm enjoying my soda, but I think I'd like it even more if I could add Windex to it.
7. Baked beans. Protein? Yes. Remotely tasty? Mais non.
8. Raisins. Grape warts.
9. Cooked green pepper. You were meant to be cold. Don't fight nature.
10. Extra-spicy daal. You know what you did. I hold a grudge.