Dear Georgie Boy,
May I call you that? I don't especially care. I'll be brief. Please hire me to play next season.
Fact: I own a Yankees cap.
Fact: I am willing to buy a bat, and find my old soccer cleats from my parents' garage. If those are not appropriate, I will consider buying new shoes.
Fact: My record is unblemished. I've never lost in the first round of the playoffs.
Fact: I will motivate my team the way my parents motivated 4-year-old me to run faster to first base in tee-ball. "Pretend a dog is chasing you," they said. "Pay my therapist," I said. "Help me get over my newfound fear of dogs."
Fact: I will not demand my own locker room. I'll share. I'm a team player like that.
Fact: I enjoy money and would be willing to make millions of dollars.
Fact: I'm a good leaper. Stick me in the outfield.
Fact: I live reasonably close to the D train.
Fact: I will point A-Rod to first base, if by chance he gets a hit next season. If he's there next season.
Fact: Pinstripes are slimming.
Fact: I can do the YMCA between innings.
Fact: I can write "Hideki Matsui" in hiragana. That will make him feel at home.
Fact: I have an incriminating picture of Derek Jeter with a mullet. This is true. I interned in Michigan and found it in the archives. It's ugly and will cost him millions in endorsements and his hot bachelor status. Trust me, after this curly monstrosity is unleashed on the world, even a crazed Mariah Carey wouldn't call him back.
I will await word from your people. I trust the contracts are being drawn up even as we speak.
See you for spring training!
Kate
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10 comments:
There's no reason for you to submit to the dark side. There's still time for you, Kate! Turn toward the light!
In the words of my birthday bumper sticker: Yank this!
Are you prepared to cut your hair? George may not give a rat's ass about the luxury tax, but he takes a hard line on hirsuteness!
Somehow, George didn't care about Giambi's kind-of long hair during the playoffs. Maybe because he agreed not to keep it greasy.
And I should write to the Boss for a position on next year's squad - they can always use a lefty reliever!
I hung out with Kate last month, and made over $900 having fun!
Also, how does Melissa always manage to use words I've never heard before, and I end up googling them and going, huh. There's a word for that?
Damn! 9 comments was a personal best, until i realized two were spam and one was mine. Still, it's a small victory, which was better than the yankees can claim.
Also, which do i feel a little shame that my blog wasn't what someone was looking for?
That's ok, I used to get those spam comments all of the time. I was just happy to have more than zero on those entries, though.
I've always been known as a walking thesaurus. It's a gift of dubious value.
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