I want Alopecia

Know that disease where all your hair falls out? Since 5th grade I have prayed to catch a case of that. I've done the math, and it would be worth it to wear a wig and draw on my eyebrows like one of those permanently surprised-looking old ladies. Wearing a wig vs. 180,746 hours of plucking over the next seven or so decades. It's a no-brainer. Seriously, I could have solved that whole Mideast kerfluffle by now and still had time to finish my screenplay.

My eyebrows are star-crossed lovers who only want to be reunited, and my tweezers are a Montague (or Capulet).

The year was 1991 and life at Grant Wood Elementary was progressing smoothly for a young Kate, as witnessed by my third grade picture. Seeing the photo of that little girl in a pink dress, I just want to go back in time and warn her of what the next 12 months would bring. It would bring eyebrow. Singular.

I know I had two eyebrows when I went into the fourth grade, but I somehow came out with only one. Here's an artist's rendering of my 5th grade school picture.






Do you see what it's like out there for a unibrowed person? We make babies cry.

We may not get handicapped parking tags or extra time to complete our SATs, but make no mistake, we are disabled. People tell me I look angry a lot, which makes me angry since chances were I was doing something like happily blowing bubbles or thinking of my favorite Calvin & Hobbes before they said that.


On the plus side, there are many successful people who share my affliction:



























Of course, a monobrow is no guarantee of success:





(Editor's note: Yes, I did think of all this as I watched my sedated father in a hospital. My first thought was, "Please don't die" followed quickly by "Thank God I made my sister sign a pact that she'll be on eyebrow duty if I'm ever in a coma.")