(This isn't him. If it's you I'll happily admit I stole the picture of a random guy and will take it down. Don't sue!)
I have a bruise on my side from a seatmate actively digging his elbow into me yesterday, a shy, fairly "normal" (as opposed to "homeless and shitting himself") looking guy my age.
As I shifted around trying to get him to stop touching my sideboob, he yelled at me, "You think you can take up more room?" Keep in mind that he was in a solid quarter of my seat and the train was packed. If he'd just moved his arm the problem would have been solved, but instead he applied force. It was as close as I've ever come to being in a fight. I pointed out that he was in fact in my seat, but he was having none of it, continuing without regard to logic, "What? Is it your seat? Did you pay for it?"
You know, as opposed to the non-MetroCard system he apparently uses.
More baffling wordplay was to follow. When I showed him how the MTA actually makes the seats different colors for handy differentiating, and showed him how far into the yellow he was, he decided to forgo the principles of physics and reiterate that I was in fact in his seat, and should find another seat if I didn't like it. (Editor's note: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE WERE NOT ANY OTHER SEATS.)
Know how you lie awake at night and wonder how you might die? Yeah, I don't have that concern so much anymore. I will be knifed/shot/choked on the train for shouting things like, "I don't blame you for trying to cop a feel. You probably don't get close to girls very often."
I then stayed in the half seat for another two stops for good measure before moving directly opposite him. He kept staring at me openly for the next few stops, so I did the ol' switcheroo where I got off and hopped on another car so he thought I left.
Imagine my delight when I got off at my real stop and he got off too. Luckily, he didn't see me. Nor did the aw-fucking-some ever-vigilant MTA booth operator see him.
"Guy with a red backpack? He just walked past you?" I asked hopefully, trying to find out which way he went.
"Nope, I didn't see nufin."
Somehow I bet you didn't. Ever hear of the "See Something, Say Something" campaign? Are we seriously letting you be a line of defense in the war on terror?
So anyway, if I turn up dead, lobby for it to be made into a "Law & Order" episode. I'd like Kiera Knightly to play me.
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4 comments:
I read this! Anyway, nice psycho avoidance maneuver. Glad you're not dead.
OHMYGOD. Of all the random NYC ways I fear I'll lose you, The Misplaced Fury of a Random Man On the Subway has now climbed to the number one spot.
Although, I do think it's sort of hilarious that he was trying to argue that YOU were in HIS seat. I plan to apply this same logic to doing something like talking through the next movie I go to and then periodically screaming at the people behind me to keep it down.
I don't see Keira Knightley doing a guest stint on Law & Order. I hear Estelle Getty is available, though she's probably a little long in the tooth for the part. I just wanted to use the phrase "long in the tooth."
I think you actually just wanted to say I look more like Estelle Getty. I know this already, what with my grey hair and jowels. That's why my suggestion is funny. Sheesh.
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