Fa-la-la-la-ZZZZZZZZZ

The three most underwhelming Christmas songs:

3. Feliz Navidad — Please note that the singer and his merry band of assembled children never actually get around to wishing you a merry Christmas (in English at least). They just keep saying that they want to. Well you know what singer-I-won’t-make-the-effort-to-Google? I wanted to get you a present, but I didn’t. Please just treat my intent to as an actual gift.

2. Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? — No they don’t, Sir Bob Geldof, they’re from Ethiopia, which is a predominately Muslim nation. Do you know that the nation is more animist (Animism: the belief in personalized, supernatural beings (or souls) that often inhabit ordinary animals and objects, governing their existence.) than Christian?
Fun Kate fact: Do you know sometimes I’ll Wikipedia things even though I just said I wouldn’t Google something?)
I’m still waiting for the sequel “Do they know it’s Chinese New Year after all?” for the good people of New Orleans. Update: Still no snow in Africa this Christmas. It’s not looking too promising next year either.

1. Little Saint Nick — Christmas comes this time each year? Are you kidding me?!?!?! This is what we like to call “phoning it in” Brian Wilson. Could you stifle your yawn long enough to get out the chorus? It sounds like you wrote it during a commercial break and recorded it as soon as you dug up an old xylophone and a brother to sing falsetto. A sample: He don't miss no one /when he's haulin' through the snow at a frightening speed/With a half a dozen deer with Rudy to lead/He's got to wear shades cause the snow really flies/and he's cruisin' every path with a little surprise.

Also, the song ends with “little Saint Nick” and the bracketed instruction to “Repeat for a long time.” That’s the song equivalent of me just trailing off at the end of my entries with “blah blah blah” or maybe even Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

To sum up. It is December. Christmas comes in December. We, the Beach Boys, like cars, to the point of shoehorning car/sleigh metaphor together. Pay me royalties or I’m locking myself back in my room.

Maybe I’m just bitter because Brian Wilson almost took my hand off last Christmas. I went to watch him pull an Ashlee Simpson lip-synching-stavaganza while taping a special for NBC. Because my dad is the only one I know who might like the Beach Boys, I called him when Brian was done.

Me: I was like three feet from him. You’ll see when it airs tomorrow. Man is he a bad lip-syncher! Did he have a stroke?
Dad: That’s so cool. Remember when you put me on the phone with Ed Helms? (Editor’s note: See entry “Ohmigah! It’s Ed Helms!”)
Brian Wilson turns corner to enter limo.
Me: Ohmigah! It’s Brian Wilson! Mr. Wilson, will you say hi to my dad?

I hand the phone to him and he takes it, attempting to shut the car door at the same time, nevermind that my hand is between the door and the car.

Brian: Hi Dad.

He hands the phone back as I cry out the hilariously succinct “My hand!”

And just like that, he was gone, with a cry of “Merry Christmas to all and to all" zzzzzzzzzzzzz......