The Whos down in Whoville

Christmas! Yeah! It really truly is the hap-happiest season of all. Especially in Midtown, where you can celebrate with your 50,000 nearest and dearest. The other day was the Rockefeller Center tree lighting (slash one-year anniversary of the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson almost cutting my hand off. That's a story for another day though.)

On tree-lighting night my cubemate called me over to her window.

Her: "Listen, you can hear singing."
Me: "Wow, it's like being in Whoville. Maybe Christmas really doesn't come from a store. Yep, I think my heart just grew three sizes."

So welcome, people from all over this great nation of ours. And I suppose the rest of the world. (People who presumably live in places where trees are in abundance come to New York to see foliage. This, I believe, might be that irony that people keep telling me I should look into.)

Someday, I will win my Pulitzer for an expose entitled "Tourists: Why do they realize nobody is behind them?"” It will feature a hard-hitting look at why they stop dead on the sidewalk, why they get flustered when people won’t stop so they can take photos as they try to block the whole sidewalk, and of course, why they don'’t understand that you walk on the left side of the escalator.

To answer your questions:
1.) "The tree" is that way. It's huge. You'll see it.
2.) Yes, the skaters too.
3.) I promise, it'll be faster to walk than take a cab.
4.) I understand it's 7 blocks. Walking will still be faster.
5.) I'm happy to take your group photo for the Christmas card, but let's get you out of harm's way first.
6.) No, don't buy that NYC Santa hat.
7.) Yes, it's a real Rolexx. That second X is for x-tra love from New York to you.
8.) No, I won't give you directions to the Times Square Applebee's. It's against my religious beliefs.


In the meantime, here are a few tourist carols to warm your crusty old heart.


Oh holy crap!

Oh holy crap, the tree is big and shiny
It is the night to get in the way.

All around, weary New Yorkers are groaning.
Waiting for you to stop and take your picture.

Faaaaaall on your knees, poooooooose with your brother.
It doesn't matter where, or who is behind you.

Oh tourist, oh tourist diiiiiiiiiiivine.



Deck a tourist

Deck a tourist for blocking the doorway
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Cause that really gets in your way
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
It dawns on them a little too late
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
That blocking entrances makes us all late.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la