Theories on life: The Essence Sentence

I have theories. And a blog. Which means if you’re reading this you’re gonna listen to my theories. On your company’s dime.

The first theory I discovered by accident one night at work a few years ago. There was a reporter I worked with who was constantly eating. Like plate-o’-pasta-at-10-a.m. kind of eating. I'm not sure if it was all the food, but she was also really flighty.

My work friend and I were trying to figure out how to sum her up and explain her to someone when she actually did it herself up quite nicely one night after she got back from covering a ribbon-cutting ceremony:

Me: {Reporter} this is a good quote, but you didn’t get the person’s name.
Her: Oops! I got distracted; there was cake.

Her very essence summed up into one little sentence. (P.S. She accidentally got pregnant a year or so later and we changed her sentence to “I got distracted; there was cock.”)

I’ve think everyone will do this once. It can’t be forced and nobody else can do it for you. It just falls out of your mouth one day.

Know-it-all esteemed and beloved former co-worker: “I’m never wrong and I’m right again this time.”
HB (my friend the Hibernating Bear, called that for her ability to sleep 13 hours a night): “Sometimes I get confused, wait, was I telling you that or Lauren?”

And then there’s another co-worker. (I’ll call him Vest for his insistence on wearing sweater vests on casual Friday.) He’s really nice, but I was trying to explain to someone why (besides the sweater vests) I couldn’t see myself dating him. Enter The Essence Sentence: “I just can’t wait to move to the suburbs.”

Now I have nothing against the burbs. It’s perfectly fine if you end up there. It’s possible I could be happy there myself someday, with all my little Kate Juniors running around, but it just doesn’t seem like a proper aspiration for a 26 year old guy.