An open letter to the FCC about the old ladies at my gym

Hey there, old ladies! I'm not clear how your mother, Vogue, religion or society in general dropped the ball in filling you with a healthy self-loathing about your body, but where did we go wrong here?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really excited about being as old as you someday and no longer giving a flying crap about who I insult or whose toes I crush with my Rascal. But here’s a rule of thumb: If your body looks like you spend your days writing letters to the FCC about the foul mouth on the little boy from Two and a Half Men, perhaps you ought to not frolic about the gym locker room .

I know I should be applauding you for being all active at your advanced ages, but I promise, there’s NO NEED for you to parade around naked. It seriously challenges my ability to keep my food down when I turn from getting stuff from my locker and I’m face to droopy boob with you. Call Dr. 90210, become a recluse or just take a page from the rest of us and put a damn towel around your offensive self.

In honor of what I presume you do all day, here’s my letter about you to the FCC about you:

Dear FCC,

As a concerned citizen, I applaud the many censoring moves you’ve made to improve airwaves. America’s children do not need to see breasts before their wedding night. (This goes for young men and young women.) Likewise, they do not need to be saying the F word, the S word, the R word or h-e-double-hockey-sticks. It’s best to ensure they never hear these words at all.

Can we have another Depression please to teach them about life?

And also, can you please start using your powers in real life as well? It’s all fine and well if primetime is cleaned up, but what good does that do if we just hear these words and see offensive images in our daily lives?

Please start with the old ladies at my gym who walk around naked. They are offensive on many levels. That form of nudity should not – must not – be celebrated or encouraged. It diminishes my quality of live and concerns me for my own future when I look at all that appalling sagging.

American flags!

Sincerely,

Kate
P.S. These colors don’t run!

P.P.S. Good job with the whole Janet Jackson thing. Truly your finest hour. I was disgusted when I saw her flash us the first time, but when I relived it on cable the next 9,000 times, I got progressively less appalled each time.